Chapter Four

TAMARA

     I was lying on my bed, solemnly staring at the ceiling. Until now, I couldn't process in my mind that the guy I loved years ago talked to me again. Terror was crippling down my spine with the thought that he was going to be my neighbor. My life was at peace, why did he suddenly come to the picture? I have already pulled myself out of the abyss of misery and despair. I don't want to go back there. But then, suddenly, I was dragged in that abyss again. The agony, the rage, and everything else that torn my pieces apart was rushing through me now and my mind flashed back to the day he broke my heart. 

Everything was still vivid to me. It was our second anniversary. I was all dressed up. He texted me that he'll be picking me up at 5PM,  after class. The clock turned 5PM but there was no shadow of him. I waited. Maybe he was just stuck in a traffic but there's a little voice in my head that says there was something wrong. My anxiety grew by second. I shook my thoughts off, thinking I was just too anticipated. Two hours had passed but he still didn't show up. The beating of my heart was unexplainable as if it was telling me something. I grabbed my phone and dialled him. Three rings, he didn't answer. I started to get worried. 

So I decided to hail a cab to drive me to his school. I kept on fidgeting my fingers, glancing at my phone if he had already returned any of my messages. As we passed by a resto bar, my eyes caught something—a blue car with the same plate number as his. I told the driver to stop because I had to confirm if my eyes weren't just playing tricks on me. I stepped out of the vehicle. I was right. It was Sean's car. I wondered why he was there. Due to my curiosity, I entered the restaurant. 

I've memorized every bit of Sean for so long. When I saw a curly haired guy sitting at a table across with a girl, I knew it was him. He looked ecstatic while talking with her.  I didn't know who the girl was. I had a minute to look at her from head to bottom. In summary, she was pretty…prettier than me. Why was he with her when he was supposed to be with me? They looked very close. If he was a stranger, I would've mistaken them as a couple. I didn't do anything. I just watched them just five feet away.  He was ignorant for not noticing my presence. 

After a minute, I found myself frozen on the ground. An excruciating pain hammeded against my chest. I watched how he leaned across her to meet his lips with hers. He even closed his eyes to savor the moment. How romantic. My world stopped.  I tried to convince myself that what my eyes witnessed wasn't true but the waiter that bumped me brought me back to my senses—I was in reality. 

"S-Sean?" At last, I found my voice. 

When he heard me,  he turned to me. His eyes went wide. Embarassment suddenly flustered on his features, blood drained, shock written all over his face. He should've told me that he won't be showing up so I wouldn't waited for hours like a numbskull. I wished I have known. 

The girl was confused. She asked Sean who I was but he was too fazed to respond. 

"B-Babe…" he weakly called. "I-It's not what it looks like." 

I shook my head. I couldn't bear it, I quickly ran away to get myself out of the scene. He ran after me. 

He got a grip of my elbow. "Babe, please listen--" 

Before he could finish his sentence, I gave him a hard slap on his face. "Happy Anniversary, jerk!" 

He was left dumbstruck. Surprisingly, not any single teardrop fell from my eyes.  But when I got home, I hastily went to my room. I shut the door closed. There, I poured out all the tears that I held back. 

For me, that was the most painful moment of my life. That was unexpected. I thought that unexpected moments are the happiest but he proved me wrong. After that, I cut all my connections with him. 

I was flooded with questions—Am I not enough? Did he really love me? How could he do that? Where did I go wrong? I trusted him so much. It never crossed my mind that he could do such a thing like that.  I thought I know him too well but I was wrong.  He was a cheater.  How dare he.

I just let it slip away, everything had gone to waste. That reason was enough for me to end everything between us. Because if he was really faithfully in love with me, he would not do that. They were caught in the act, there was no use in denying it or even apologizing about it. No matter how hard he'd apologize about it, nothing would change. There was a damage. I sad that type of a person who was not a fan of excuses and phrases like "I'm so sorry", "I will never do it again" such things like that, that comes out of someone's mouth whenever he did something he really meant but wanting to fix it by making alibis and lies. 

I loved Sean very much. He was my everything. With him, nothing can ever be wrong. He can lighten a heavy situation easily by simply throwing lighthearted jokes in the air. I had always thought that we'll end up with each other. I was fifteen years ago and he was two years older than me when we became together. 

We shared pillows and cold feet, cuddled in a dark room during rainy days with our favorite band on the radio. We had midnight talks over the phone, midnight driving with the windows done, dining in pizza parlors every weekend—you see, he was my favorite getaway. Like when I feel so messed up, I will come running to him. That's why I couldn't wrap around my head that he cheated on me. 

He was my first love. It was hard for me to move on. He was the best part of me so when we broke up,  I fell into pieces. I struggled to get past of the feeling of being not okay. I couldn't remember how many sad songs I had played to ease the pain. When the sun shined up, he was the first that comes into my mind wondering how he was doing—wondering if I ever crossed his mind even half as much how I thought of him. I don't know how many sleepless nights I spent and how many times I locked myself inside the bathroom showering myself with tears. I don't know how many painkiller I will take to numb all the pain, how many bottle of beer I'll drink to erase him on my mind, hoping that the next morning I'll wake up that I have already forgotten how much I am longing for him. 

Then I had Cole. He consoled me. 

After three years, I finally declared that I had already moved on but then he came, breaking the walls that I built and waking up the feelings that I thought that had already subsided. 

"Have you forgotten our promise to each other?"

My jaw tightened as his words resonated on my mind. What an irony of him to reproach that promise to me when in fact, he was the one who broke it. I loathe him to the core! We promised that we wouldn't leave each other. He already left me. He should've not said a promise that he couldn't keep. 

Tears streamed down my face. I buried my face with a pillow. I thought I have already moved on but I was wrong.  

It still hurts me.