Love or joy

"Anastasia, you are my life." My mum takes my hand and I look at her exhausted.

"No Mum, your life is the office that you built up with Dad and that John should take over."

"No Anastasia, please, I can't bear to lose you too." She looks at me pleadingly.

"You already lost me Mum, a long time ago, you just didn't want to admit it to yourself, because a Coleman doesn't lose ..." I shake my head slightly "But I have to give you one thing, Ireland was the best decision you made ever met for me You're right, it's an opportunity and I'm taking it. I'll always be your daughter, but I can't stand dads and your looks. You deny me and one thing has become clear to me in the last week, I have to go back quickly, because I'm not a total failure in Dublin. I'm sorry about what happened yesterday and I don't want that for myself anymore. ”I look at her apologetically and push past her outside.

"Bye Belle." I give her a short wave as I quickly walk through the entrance hall. "I'm sorry."

“Bye Ana!” She shouts after me sadly, I run to the gate and wave a taxi over to take me to the airport.

I have a headache when I'm finally on the plane and I sleep through most of the flight.

I dread to face Grace, I know I let her down and that almost hurts more than the actual event.

In fact, she looks at me sadly when I walk into the arrival hall and I fall around her neck, crying.

"I'm so sorry." I sob.

"Oh Ana." She strokes my hair and just holds me tight.

"Come on, let's go to our place first." She wipes away the last tears and steers me to the car.

On the drive to her and Dex, I can hardly calm down and sob incessantly.

"Hey little one." Dex helps me get out and I look at him tearfully.

"I screwed up a lot." I cry.

"Hey, nothing's so bad that we can't fix it." He kisses my forehead and we go into the house. After Grace has given me a cup of hot tea, she sits down with me.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She finally asks.

"I think mum will have told you everything." I don't dare look at her.

"Yeah, but that's only one side of the story and I'd love to hear your side." She puts her hand under my chin and I have to look up.

"I don't know what was wrong with me ..." I confess.

"I can't explain it to myself either." She admits and wipes a tear away from me, "That's not the Ana I know."

"I don't know who I am." I look at her and she brushes a strand from my face.

"You find yourself Ana, trust yourself." She gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"There was nothing, no feeling of love or joy ..." I look at her and she tilts her head.

“What do you mean?” She asks, puzzled.

“Mum and Dad, they say they love me, but they tell their friends that I'm in rehab and don't even take notice of me when I'm there. I realized one thing ... "I look at her" My home is here, you and Dex ... you are my home. I feel safe and loved here. ”I confess to her.

"Oh little one." She takes my face in her hands.

“You can't imagine what it means to me to hear something like that from you, but don't give up on your parents. You've already lost John. ”She kisses me on the cheek.

“Yes, you lost John, but so did I…” the tears start to run again “He wasn't just my big brother, it was he who made my life worth living. He praised me when I got good grades, he taught me to surf and he loved me ... unconditionally. "I sob.

"I love you, Ana." She assures me and Dex puts his arm around us both.

"We love you Ana." He kisses my hair.

"I'm going to get in real trouble." I blow my nose and look at Dex "1.4 per thousand, two cars with total write-offs and a stay in the sobering cell."

"Oh little one." He sighs softly.

"I can't allow myself anything, or I'll have to go back to the States, right?" I look at him desperately.

"I think it will come down to that ..." he confirms to me "Concentrate on your studies, don't do anything stupid and we can only let everything else come our way." He takes my hand and squeezes it briefly. "You are not alone."

"Thanks, I appreciate it ..." I look at the clock "I have to go home, tomorrow the new semester begins." I get up and Grace hugs me again.

"Everything will be fine." She promises me and I would love to believe her.

"I'll drive you around quick." Dex takes his jacket and hands me mine.

I nod briefly to Grace and quickly get into the car because it's snowing again and I'm really freezing.

When we are almost with me, Dex breaks the silence. "We have to see that there is no negotiation, should that happen, it will be difficult to get a traineeship and almost impossible to keep you here in Dublin." He sighs softly .

"I know Dex." I look out again.

"Focus on the here and now." He kissed my cheek as we pull up outside the dorm.

"I'll try my best." I promise him and wave to him until he has disappeared around the next corner.

When I get to the top there is a lot of activity and complete confusion.

Oh yes, Shannon, Olivia, Amber and two others from my floor are ready and the rooms are getting new residents.

As long as they leave me alone, I shouldn't care.

“If that's not Ana.” A voice sounds next to me as I unlock my door and my heart immediately beats faster.

"Hello Nate." I turn my key in the lock.

"You sound depressed." He tilts his head, waiting.

"Sorry Nate, but I don't feel like talking at all right now." I apologize and close the door in front of his nose.

Damn it…

Stay out of anger Ana Coleman!

It's so loud in the hallway that at some point I'll hear music on my cell phone and fall asleep over my books.

My cell phone rings shrilly and I come up scared, my book lands on the floor with a loud bang and I bury myself under my covers.

It can't possibly be the next morning ...

But my cell phone rings relentlessly, so I get up and shuffle to the door. As soon as I'm in the hallway, a young woman who comes out of the room next to mine is pushed to the floor rather roughly.

"I'm so sorry." She offers me her hand and I let her help me up. “You have to be room four. You came back yesterday, didn't you? Oh how rude ... "she touches her forehead" Hello, I'm Jennifer Amalia Collins, but Jenna is enough. "She chatters immediately, winks at me and I stare at her.

It's 6:30 in the morning and she's full of energy.

How is something like that possible?

Either it belongs like that, or it has a huge impact on the marble ...

"I'm Ana, Anastasia Coleman." I finally say and walk towards the bathroom. I hope she overlooks the fact that I am still wearing my clothes from yesterday, which you can see clearly because my T-shirt is totally wrinkled. That doesn't exactly make the best impression ...

I look at the map and Jenna appears next to me.

“I thought we could go in together in the morning. Isn't there enough space, isn't it? ”She looks at me beaming and I nod, quite surprised.

She grabs my free hand and pulls me behind her.

I slip out of my clothes and take a shower first. I feel a lot better than I stand in a bathrobe next to Jenna in front of the mirror.