First time

 feel a slight tingling sensation in my fingertips, which worries me. I'm in the process of developing a battle plan to recapture my ex-boyfriend, so another guy shouldn't have such an effect on me. Maybe I'm just too vulnerable right now and that's why I'm so receptive to affection. Like a puppy dog waiting to be petted by its owner. “Um ... that's okay, I think. Or? ”I say to my two friends.

"Lick it," says Lu simply, which makes me laugh.

“I guess a few innocent touches won't hurt,” says Claire. "So that it looks real." 

Jake lets go of my hand and for a split second I feel something like regret about it.

This is completely crazy! Unobtrusively, I move away from him one by one by pulling my feet up onto the couch and wrapping my arms around them.

Over the next twenty minutes, we'll fine-tune our plan until everyone is largely satisfied with it. Then I wish everyone a good night and go to my room. My heart is a little lighter because I have drew new hope that this whole dramatic story will have a happy ending after all. I just don't want to imagine anything else. Maybe that's naive, and women like Lu would probably shake their head so hard at me that it would whiplash, but I can't help it. Sebastian is the love of my life. We have seen so much together - I refuse to believe that our story is supposed to end by now. His love for me can't just go away like that, from one day to the next ... 

No, he's got lost in an idea of freedom that excludes me. I am not a person with sickly clinging, but I have to prove to him that freedom does not automatically mean having to shut me out of his life. He can also be free with me at his side, maybe he just forgot that. 

......

My heart is beating wildly against my ribs as I enter the lecture hall. Sebastian and I only took one course together this semester, and today is the first time I'll see him again after the breakup. Almost a week has now passed, and every day uncertainty and doubt reach out to me, dig their nasty claws into my aching heart. What if the plan goes wrong? What if Sebastian doesn't care that I could hook up with another man? What should I do then? 

I look around, but I can't make out Sebastian anywhere among the other students. Maybe he'll be late. Or he's sick. I can't imagine him skipping lecture last semester just because he might not want to see me. That would be completely exaggerated!

Here and there I am greeted by a few people whom I know from seeing or occasionally visiting student bars while I pass the rows of seats. When I finally sit in my usual place, there is still no trace of Sebastian, and the knot in my stomach gets thicker and harder until I can barely stand the pressure.

The professor appears and begins the lecture. I have difficulty concentrating on the content and think several times whether I should just write Sebastian. But that would certainly not be appropriate after a separation. He wants to be free, not to be terrorized by me with messages just because he doesn't show up for a lecture.

Ultimately, I hardly notice what is being said at the beginning and will have to rework it. Quite dejected, I leave the room and give a little flinch when suddenly Jake appears next to me.

There was something else ...

“Hey.” He gives me that special Jake smile, and for a tiny moment I forget my grief and automatically return it. "Do we eat something together?"

"Sebastian doesn't seem to be here today," I say softly and shrug my shoulders.

“We can still go out to eat. Then I can get to know my chosen one a little better. "

I have an unsettling feeling somewhere between my stomach and my chest. Was it really a good idea to use Jake in my quest to get Sebastian back? Admittedly, on the evening a few days ago, everything still sounded very plausible and good, but now that the business is getting down to business, I'm getting cold feet. Jake is way too present. Very tall, with broad shoulders and such a self-assured demeanor that it almost rivets anyone around him. I don't know how to deal with being in its immediate orbit. And certainly not with the fact that part of me even likes it.

"What else do you want to know?" I reply, trying not to seem intimidated by him. He's just a guy who looks amazing. No problem at all for me.

“You're studying economics. Why?"

I didn't expect this question, so I shrug my shoulders insignificantly and answer the first thing that comes to mind: “It's very simple. I want to earn money and I hope that this industry will have the most opportunities. "

"So there is no great passion for our economy behind this?"

"No. Disappointing, isn't it? " 

Jake shakes his head. “Everyone should do what they want. I don't interfere in the decisions of others. "