Traumatized

I place my hand on my knee, trying to force that annoying tremble to subside, it looks as if I am trying to dig a hole in the closed courtroom’s floor and I doubt anyone would be happy if I ruined the expensive-looking tiles.

I try and take deep breaths, hoping it might calm me down but it is of no use whatsoever, I feel like I am about to faint, these last few days have been nothing but a tormenting vortex of questions and revelations that only lead to more questions.

Seeing my uneasiness, Maisie, the nice doctor takes my hand in hers and offers me an encouraging smile which barely provides me with any encouragement, I return it nevertheless, out of gratitude toward her kindness and for being here for me today.

Out of all the people in this city, Maisie happened to be my best friend and my ex-roommate, we even worked together in the same hospital, only that I was a nurse, it explains how good she has been treating me so far, she knows me better than anyone else, and therefore answered most of my questions, the ones which she had an answer to at least.

“Relax, Natalia, you will be okay.” I turn to my other side, where Dr. Jones, the eldest doctor, who is actually an honored professor in psychiatry, is sitting leisurely, her legs crossed with a book in her hand, she looks very composed and wise, and her presence, even though intimidating, is also very assuring.

“I still think this is a bad idea!” I sigh out, unable to keep my feelings to myself.

“On the contrary my dear, this will help you recover faster!” she says with a knowing smile, yeah, we are not exactly here for my recovery, we are here because a certain Mr. Williams asked for a closed hearing so we can discuss this case between me and him before he, and I will coat his lawyer, decides what to legally do!

“It is going to be okay, Natalia. Just keep in mind that the tests barely proved anything, this whole thing can be but a big misunderstanding.”, I smile at her, not letting my expressions show how truly bothering her words are.

If this whole thing is a misunderstanding as she said, then those lawyers are going to tear me to pieces, I have learned how influential the Williams are, they were already accusing me of setting the whole thing up and because of my condition, I had no memories to aide me, no recollections to support me, nothing, just blankness.

However, if she is wrong and this whole thing isn’t a misunderstanding, then it means that this guy really tried to rape me, I hardly manage to swallow my sob at the thought of being abused and hurt in that way. That horrible, destructive, untreatable way.

What could I have possibly done for him to do this to me? What kind of a monster was he?

A terrifying one, apparently, I don’t know what he looks like, but the mere mention of his name makes me feel uncomfortable, Maisie and Emma, the policewoman, seem to really hate him, they told me he is some kind of a rich businessman with some shady affairs and relations that couldn’t be proven, with this new-found knowledge, I am sure I can be pardoned for imagining him as a satanic creature with no heart nor remorse.

I don’t want any of this, I just want to regain my memories and know who I am, it is killing me to not know a single thing about myself, to not know about my past, and accept myself the way others define me.

I hear the door unlock and my breath is trapped in my throat, this is it, I am going to meet the person accused of raping me, I seem to be forgetting how to breathe, my hands shiver violently and I look down at them, unable to look up, unable to see the people who walked in.

I take small quick breathes, my eyes burn horribly and I fight back the tears, I can’t allow myself to cry now, what in the hell is happening to me, my lower lip starts to tremble, I know I need to keep it together, but my body is not cooperating at all.

I am scared, I realize, I am terrified, why am I this scared, if nothing is confirmed as Maisie said then why am I feeling like this? As if I am trapped in a cage with hungry wolves, I feel many eyes on me and I want to shrink until I disappear.

Please God, I don’t want to be here, please make me disappear.

“Are you okay?” I hear someone asking me, a velvet manly voice that makes me instantly freeze, I slowly raise my head to meet a pair of green orbs, and for a second I forget my surroundings, I focus on those eyes, how beautiful they look with that deep color and concerned frown, why is this person looking at me with concern? Who is he?

“Mr. Williams.” I hear someone say and I am petrified, my eyes widen in horror and I pull back until my back is stuck to the chair’s backrest, my hands involuntarily move to hug me as I keep eye contact with the man who could be my rapist.

A complicated emotion shows in his eyes and I try to decipher it, I easily see pain, concern, sadness, and even anger, I don’t know if these feelings I am reading are genuine but I know they are directed towards me, I see him lower his eyes and exhale loudly, before stepping away from me to go sit next to his knights in shining suits.

Maisie handles me a cup of water and I am very grateful for it, I feel much better after taking a few sips, seeing that everyone is seated, a representative of the court stands up and begins talking.

“Now that we are all here, I would like to begin this hearing.” He looks at everyone then nods approvingly.

“First allow me to explain why are we here.” This time, he is looking at me and the doctors and cops with me, so I am guessing it is only us at the receiving end of this explanation.

Wow! The transparency!

“After hearing about the current condition of the victim, Mr. Williams has asked for this hearing before taking any legal procedures against the person accusing him, that is you, Miss Natalia Kings.”

“What kind of nonsense is this?” Maisie angrily voices out my question, what does he mean by taking legal procedures against me? He is accused of raping me! Why is he the one threatening to sue me, I clench my fists and look at the representative. And Maisie in front of me is ready to give them hell but then a cold voice calls for me.

“Natalia.” I slowly look at the man in a grey suit surrounded with an armada of lawyers, our eyes meet and something insides me steers, I don’t know what exactly but it is not just fear this time.

“Is it true that you have lost your memory about the accident?” his voice is cold but his eyes are somehow concerned, or maybe it is just the black circles surrounding them. I am not sure but something in them doesn’t exactly fill in the satanic image I have imagined in my mind about the monster who tried to rape me, something is wrong and misplaced in this whole ordeal.

“Allow me to explain, for Natalia is looking very confused.” Dr. Jones speaks and all heads turn towards her, I hesitate a little before breaking the eye contact with the green orbs.

“Miss Natalia is suffering from what we call dissociative amnesia, her mind is blocking all the memories related to herself, including the accident that took place inside your house, Mr. Williams, this kind of disorder occurs when a person is subjected to a traumatizing experience. Usually, a person only forgets the experience itself and the events related to it, such as names, dates, faces, but judging by the fact that Natalia had forgotten everything about herself, I can safely presume that she was badly traumatized.”

I look at Dr. Jones, not caring to hide my tears anymore, I am incapable of taking in what she just said, I look back at that Williams guy with shocked and accusing eyes, just what in the hell did he do to me? What was so bad that my own mind decided to make me forget my entire life, my identity, just to forget about it?