Drained

“Shall we continue?” the representative asks once I am back with Maisie and Emma to the room, I feel a little better now after the little stroll we have taken in the court's park, the air wasn't exactly fresh but it helped me relax a little ad gather my thoughts, I am not as panicked and shocked as I was when I heard what Dr. Jones said earlier, not as bad at least.

Taking my seat, I nod at the representative and my senior, telling them that i am feeling better and ready to continue this hearing. However, I avoid looking at that Williams' guy at all costs, I feel his eyes on me though, his lawyers are talking among themselves in a very serious manner while he is just sitting quietly as if this matter doesn’t concern him , all he does is look at me with undecipherable eyes and I refuse to look back at him, I need to keep it together for the rest of this hearing, I need to know what happened to me and I need to figure out my next move once I do.

Seeing that I was feeling better, Dr. Jones stands up and resumes talking. “Of course, the fact that you lost all your memories about yourself and identity and not just the ones related to that accident can also lead us to think that it wasn’t the accident itself that traumatized you but something else, it was definitely the trigger though.”

“Pardon me, Dr. Jones, but your words imply that my client was in one way or another guilty with Miss King’s current condition, these are serious accusations.” One of the lawyers speaks sharply, but the elder woman doesn’t lose her composure, she remains perfectly calm, I think it is one of the skills she acquired from years of treating mental illness.

It is a scary skill if you asked me, i mean, this woman looks at everything as if it is another case, i am grateful for her help, but sometimes, she looks at me as if i am this interesting patient she is watching from behind the glass, her curiosity sometimes surpasses her compassion.

“I am not a prosecutor, I am a psychiatrist, I am not here to accuse anyone, I am here to explain Miss Kings’ condition and prevent anyone from twisting the facts about her current state into their favor.”

That was intense, I thought to myself, and judging by everyone’s expressions, they thought the same as well.

“How can we be sure if what she is having is the same disorder you mentioned?” 

As if expecting that question, Dr. Jones nods and walks to me with a paper and pen in her hands, I frown, a little confused, for I am not sure of what she is going to do.

Once she is standing next to where I am sitting, she places the paper and pen on the table in front of me and asks me to start taking some notes, hers particularly, I don’t really think I had a choice in the matter so I nod at her, she smiles at me and walks back to her seat.

“So as I was saying, we did all the necessary tests to see if Miss Kings is suffering from any brain injury that might be incriminated in her memory loss instead of the accident, and the emotional trauma it caused her, and there are none, her limbic system is fine, she has no history with celiac disease nor with alcohol or drug abuse, no encephalitis, no subarachnoid hemorrhages, no tumors developing, the electroencephalogram, as well as the magnetic resonance imaging, proved these results. and therefore, we are left with the traumatic experience explanation, especially if we take into consideration the state she was in when found inside your house, Mr. Williams. Now, Natalia, could you sign your notes?”

I look up at her, totally confused but I still obey, and that is when it hits me, I signed the paper using my own name, Natalia Kings, and I did it automatically without even realizing! I look at the paper with shocked eyes before It is lifted by none other than Dr. Jones herself.

“As you can see here.” She holds the paper up for everyone to see, especially the armada of lawyers and their king, “As you can all see, Natalia has written all the notes correctly, even though the medical terms are hard, she still managed to write them correctly, and if you look here…” she points at two words of three letters each, “Instead of writing the full words of the tests, she only wrote their abbreviations, EEG and MRI.”

“Doesn’t this mean that she isn't amnesic?” one of the lawyers looks at me accusingly for a brief moment but his question granted him a deprecated look from Dr. Jones that almost labeled him as the stupidest creature on earth.

“So, as I was saying before being rudely interrupted, Natalia remembers her medical knowledge, she remembers her signature, even if she is unaware of it, but she doesn’t remember that she is a nurse, which is the way she acquired that knowledge, what she forgot  is her identity, and that is why I diagnosed her with dissociative amnesia.”

“So, you really can’t remember what happened?” It was that vile man who asked, I want to ignore him, to pretend I didn’t hear him and that he isn’t in the room at all, but I know I have to face him if I want to know what happened to me, if I truly wanted this hell to end.

“No.” was my short reply, not looking at him, I hear him sigh before mumbling something to his lawyers.

“But you might, soon.” We all turn back at Dr. Jones and the woman is still having that calm expression on her face.

“Usually, the person’s memories start coming back to them after a few days, not at once of course but little by little, and under helpful circumstances.” Hearing her voice, I feel conflicted, a part of me is happy and excited to have my memories back, I was sick of living this way, blank and clueless, depending on others, but in the same time, I was scared, what if the things I am going to remember are too hard to take? what if they break me again?

“Now, let us talk about the state we received Natalia in.” Maisie addressed the lawyers, looking a bit less confident then Dr. Jones but I believe in her.

“I am sure you have already read my report, even Though Natalia didn’t have any signs of forced penetration, no vaginal nor anal injuries, and no sign of semen that might have belonged to Mr. Williams, she did have traces of matching blood under her nails, not to mention, traces of Saliva on her face, neck, and breasts, several hickeys on her body, and straight-up bruises around her wrists.”

“This is not enough to claim that he raped her!” One of the lawyers retorts only to receive a sharp glare from his king.

“All this proves is that there was an intimate moment between Mr. Williams and Miss Kings.”, the same lawyer, calmer this time, speaks out but Emma scoffs at him.

“And do your women scratch you until they draw blood out of you while you grab their wrists hard enough to leave horrid bruises, all while you guys are being 'intimate'?”

“I was only trying to calm her down, I didn’t mean to hurt her wrists, I was just thrown off guard by her sudden panic attack.” The Williams' guy sighs tiredly before looking up at me, and this time, I look back at him. “I didn’t force myself on you, Natalia, I stopped when you asked me to.”

“If you did…” I speak for the first time, and my voice is shaking, hell I don’t want to sound so weak but all of these revelations drained me, all the last days, all the horrible exams, all the injections and nauseous medications, all the lonely nights I have spent trying to remember who I am, it all drained me to the point where I am no longer able to fight back.

“If you did stop, then why am I like this?”