P***e Call

“Hello?”

Holy shit, I hang up once I hear his voice across the phone and throw the damn device back on the bed, Just what the hell? I find myself hyperventilating again, not out of fear though.

Fuck, why am I feeling like a teenage girl calling her popular crush? I curse myself with every single bad word I know, and funnily I remember a lot, it surprises me for I am told I was a nurse, not a sailor.

I run both hands in my hair, which needs an urgent cleaning, before intertwining my fingers on top of my head, I tell myself to live up to my decisions, that I am an adult and need to start acting so, I look at the phone as it is a poisonous snake before reaching for it and dialing the number again.

He picks up from the very first ring, and I blurt out an urgent sloppy hello before I chicken out and hang up again.

“Natalia, it is really you.” I hear his voice, dripping with surprise, relief, and…longing?

“Yes.” Is all I can say, and honestly, I have no idea what to say, my mind goes blank as if my amnesia is making me forget the things I have set my mind on asking not two minutes ago.

I know better though, it isn’t my amnesia, even though Dr. Jones mentioned something about emotional confusion and the inability of making rational decisions, but I know it is none of that, I know it is his voice, his effect on me which makes me feel the way I am feeling.

All over the place.

“I was so worried about you, Are you okay?” I hear a noise in the back but I don’t focus on it as much as I do on the worry and tenderness in his voice, they sound so genuine.

“I am fine.” I say with a muffled sigh, the conversation suddenly becomes heavier, I didn’t call to have my feelings messed up this way, I didn’t call to hear his worried voice, I called to get answers to some questions I was so adamant on asking not two minutes ago but can't seem to remember any of them right now. 

“I am glad to hear that.” he says after a couple of seconds, his voice indeed a bit more relaxed, and more…sweet, I feel something steer in my stomach as I listen to that deep voice, the rich accent making it even more lethal, is it British? “I was so worried about you.”

Snap out of it, Natalia, I mentally slap myself for allowing him to affect me this way, and not even in a direct conversation, but through the phone and with less than twenty words, I shake my head, I feel my gaze harden on the poor wall, and I feel a bit crazy but it is not the time to care for it.

“Can I see you?”

“No!” I answer directly, surprised by his audacity, the fuck is wrong with him? He is accused of raping me! There is a stuck case between us, and he wants to see me?!

“I need to ask you a few questions,” I say in a hurry, not giving him the chance to lead the conversation away from where I want it to go, I need to focus, I hear him sigh, and the sound of a car door closing in the background.

“Of course, go ahead.” He says in what seemed like a defeated sigh, and I want to punch him in the face for acting like this, like someone loving and caring and genuinely concerned.

Even though I don’t remember my life before waking up in the hospital, I can still guess I wasn’t a very loved person, I had one close friend, my family and I were far from being close, and according to Maisie, I didn’t have any sort of lover or boyfriend, at least during the years I spent with her in this apartment.

I was deprived of love, I know this, and his words, his gestures and the way he behaves makes me feel like he cares, and I am finding myself unwillingly warm up to that, and I shouldn’t.

He hurt me, I tell myself, no matter how desperate I am, not only for answers, but for reassurance, for safety, for care, and for love, I should never forget the fact that he hurt me.

“What happened that night?” before he could answer I quickly add, “And don’t lie to me!”.

My voice is so intense with the last sentence it surprises even me, it sounds like a direct warning and an underline threat, I don’t regret it though, the idea of him feeding me lies when I have given him the chance to explain himself frustrates me to no ends, I want him to be honest, to tell me the truth whatever it is, and then let me handle it and move on with my life.

Lie…

A small voice says inside of me, not from my mind though, but from my heart…

I want him to tell me he didn’t hurt me, that this was all a big misunderstanding, and that what we had in those pictures and messages was as true as I felt it to be, I want to think that I was, and still am, loved.

Not that I could be blamed, for who in the hell wants to think that they have been violated by their lover?

Lover?! is that what he was? is that what we were to each other? Lovers?

I don’t think I have seen any love messages in our conversation, not a direct clear confession at least, there was a lot of intimacy, a lot of care and tenderness, a lot of liking, a lot of sweetness, A LOT of naughtiness, but I can’t tell if I loved him, or if he loved me.

“Natalia, I can’t tell you on phone.” He says apologetically and I am even more frustrated than before, why not?! It is not like I can meet him casually in the café down the street, last time he took a single step in my direction I almost died of a heart attack, I can’t meet him alone, not yet, and I am doing this whole thing so I won’t drag others into my mess.

“I can’t meet you on person just yet.” I say, my voice not as strong as before, due to my disappointment for I really thought I might get some answers, I guess I will have to depend on Maisie and Emma after all.

Maisie and Emma, I remember suddenly, and an idea pops up in my head.

“Dr. jones advised me to visit the place of the accident, is that okay?” I ask eagerly, and it takes him few seconds to reply.

“Ah…sure, but when?”

“I don’t really know, but I will be accompanied by Maisie and Emma, and I can still take a few minutes away from them to talk privately! ” That is right, now that I have talked to him, I don’t feel as terrified of him as I was before, Maisie and Emma are going to be there with me just in case something unplanned happened, like him trying to hurt me again, and I get to see the place of the accident, and hopefully, I might remember something.

“Of course, Natalia, but please, tell me in advance for I have been drowning in work these past few days, I don’t know if I might be available if you came without prior notice.”

“I will make sure to text you at least a day before, is that okay?”

“It is, Natalia, and…” I don’t know why I felt as if he hesitated, probably because of the couple of seconds he took before finishing his words.

“Thank you for giving me the chance,” he says and I feel my heart drop to my feet, his voice was barely audible, tired but grateful, I feel a fist clench around my heart and I don’t even know why, I don’t even know whether I am sympathizing with him or with myself!

“I am only seeking the truth.” I reply, and my words sound like a lie even to myself, for I know what truth I am seeking.

I nod, although he can’t see me, and I release that quite late, sighing, I tell him a small goodnight and lower the phone to hang up, but his words reach me before I do.

“Stay safe, baby.”