Warmth

To think one word can leave someone this frozen and numb.

To think that one word is capable of making a person forget how to breathe.

I remain in my spot, not even able to hang up.

Why do I feel this way?

I am not excited, I am not moved, I don’t feel any warmth, the butterflies in my stomach are probably dead or hibernating.

I don’t feel frustrated, I don’t feel angry.

I feel, numb…

Why would a simple word such as baby make me feel this way? As if the air had been pulled out of my lungs, as if I no longer have the ability to move or think.

For God knows how long, I feel like I am not only stripped off my identity, but of my humanity, as if I am no longer a human, I feel like I was a being, an almost conscious one that can sense its surroundings and itself, but not affect them.

I feel like a puppet, and from the back of my mind, the disgusted sneer resonates in my ears.

“You are worthless.”

I gasp at last, or my body does out of reflex due to the lack of air, I raise my hand to my face and touch my wet cheeks, I am crying?

Just great, here I am, being pathetic, again.

I violently wipe the tears, I don’t even know what I am crying about, all I know is that the word triggered something in me, and maybe it can trigger more, I take deep breaths before grabbing the clothes and walking towards the bathroom.

I have decided to walk this road no matter how far the finish line is.

I have decided to take the journey myself, no matter the obstacles, no matter the results.

I should live up to my decision.

The bathroom is quite small, no tub, just a shower, I don’t mind much as I slowly start removing the clothes I am wearing in front of the sink mirror, a plain beige top made of wool and black sport pants, and under them a plain set of under garments, I remove everything and take few steps back, the mirror wasn’t the largest but I was still somehow able to get a good view.

I am beautiful, I tell myself, not stunning nor gorgeous, nothing that would leave someone’s jaw dropped, but I do have a beautiful face, big hazel eyes and long raven hair, plump lips and button nose, apple cheeks and pale skin, but what I like the most is the way my face lits up when I smile, and I do, to my beautiful self.

Looking down at my body, I look for any traces of the accident but there are none left, only some very faint yellow spots on my neck and breasts, where the purple love bites used to be, my wrists are perfectly healed as well, no signs of any bruises left, the tiny scars I have on my hands and on my arms are too old to be blamed on the accident or the person it is related to.

In one word: my body has healed.

I wonder when it would be my mind’s and my heart’s turn.

I shake my head before stepping under the shower, at first the water is set on a higher temperature, not scorching, just enough to feel clean, once I am done with cleaning my body and my hair, I switch it to be colder, and the cold droplets fall on my head.

Cold droplets fall on my head, I shiver suddenly, and I look around me, not understanding the source of this eerie feeling, as if I am being watched while the cold droplets make contact with my skin.

Is it a memory? I ask myself as I slowly shut down the hot water faucet, and the droplets become unbearably cold, to the point where I am gasping.

I don’t step out of their way though, I will not run away from my memories any longer, I stay in my spot and try to focus on the shocking yet familiar feeling.

Cold, drenched, and helpless…

You are worthless.

I open my eyes, finally able to hear the voice, as clear as if it is spoken at this moment.

I first thought it was Nate, that behind his sweet texts and gentle behavior, this is what he would be telling me privately, but I was wrong, the voice wasn’t his.

The voice belongs to a woman.

Who? Who would say such a thing to me? All while I am cold and drenched?

Too absorbed in my thought, I didn’t hear Maisie bursting inside the bathroom until she is standing in front of me, i look up to her, unable to feel the cold droplets on my skin anymore, she looks utterly worried and high? why is she looking this high? I ask before I realize it is me who is actually on the ground, on my knees, hugging myself.

“Oh my God, babe, what happened to you?” she asks while wrapping my shivering body in a big towel, I look at her, a bit dizzy, she called me babe, but it felt normal, very normal I barely noticed

“Maisie, call me baby…” I say while I look at my friend from my shoulder, she is perplexed, and her cheeks flush for a second, I don’t blame her, I am being totally unreasonable.

“Please, Maiz.” I urge her, shaking her head, she helps me get back on my feet and adjusts the big towel around me.

“Baby, is that what you want? for me to call you baby?” she asks, unsure and I just nod, I have already heard it but it didn’t affect me at all, does that mean the uneasy feeling and uncomfortable effect the word has on me are exclusively related to Nathaniel Williams?

“Okay, baby, what is wrong?” Maisie leads me back to the room, and makes me sit on the bed before bringing back another towel, she doesn’t wait for my approval before she starts to dry my hair so tenderly, I can’t say I mind honestly, not with the careful and gentle way she is doing it.

“Please don’t get yourself sick, baby…” hearing her repeat the word I chuckle, before I take the towel from her hands.

“It is alright, Maisie, you can stop calling me that, I just needed to make sure of something.”

“Yeah, well too late because I have already registered that as your new nickname, baby.” She says with a wink and we both laugh; the cuteness of this girl is unbelievable.

Our short laughing moments are interrupted by the loud growl of my stomach, we pause to look at each other then burst out laughing again, and for a second I feel so warm and happy and grateful, not a minute ago I was drenched and cold while a voice from my memory called me worthless, I push the negative thought away, enjoying the positive moment, the laughters coming out of me to the point where tears gather in the corners of my eyes.

“I have already brought dinner.”

“I thought you were going to get ingredients to cook?”

“Yeah, about that…” she gives me and apologetic face while batting her long lashes. “I was going to, but then I passed by this little Chinese restaurant and I couldn’t resist the smell, so I got us some noodles and deep-fried chicken instead.”

“I don’t really mind as long as it is edible.” I voice out the truth, I don’t think I am in any state to protest anyway.

“All right, all right, so how about watching a movie while eating?”

“Sounds good.” I smile at her, it does sound good, I wonder if Maisie was always like this, so gentle and caring and friendly with me, it only fills me with more guilt for not remembering her.

“Great then; there is a movie we both used to like, maybe it will freshen up your memory a little, do you need any help?” Maisie looks down at me, and it takes few seconds to understand she is talking about me dressing up, I shake my head with a quick laugh, I am not a baby, I can handle at least this task.

“Alright, I will go prepare the food and the movie, follow me once you are done.”

There is indeed something about Maisie’s smile, it is not only warm but incredibly gentle and caring, her eyes are always on me, I feel them studying me to search for any signs of discomfort, and I feel this bond with her, she is like a sister to me.

I don’t waste more time in brooding and thinking, my thoughts would probably still be there once I fill my stomach, I put on the clothes she gave me, a beautiful grey top that hugged my body intimately but not uncomfortably, and loosed shorts that stopped at the middle of my thighs, with comfortable cotton panties, there was a bra as well, but I am not going to wear that now.

The outfit is rather cute, I tie my hair up in a high pony tail as I walk out of my room, and just as Maisie said, the smell was indeed irresistible.

Maisie had placed the food on the small table in the living room, which was actually the large hall, our apartment wasn’t that big, just two bedrooms, each with its own bathroom, and this large hall where the kitchen was on one of the corners.

I see she had placed a blanket and few pillows on the foot of the sofa, another blanket was folded and placed near just incase we got cold, and an image was paused on the large screen.

I read the title, Call Me By Your Name, sounds good, probably romance, and I don’t mind really, I am just after some good food and quality time with my best friend, I see her patting the spot next to her and I go take a seat, she hands me a box of noodles and places the chicken between us while the drinks are still on the table only an arm away.

Maisie starts the movie, and I am quickly absorbed in it, the dialogues, the clothes, the images, the feelings, and that last scene with the boy crying next to the fire, once it is over, I am left very touched, but I don’t remember it at all though, Maisie notices it, and comes closer to me after putting away the mess I have created, she places her head on my shoulder, how cute, I smile and lean on the side so her head is in the crook of my neck, we just sit silently for few moments, bellies full, and hearts touched.

“What did you think about the movie?” Maisie asks in her small voice, and I can’t help but feel the sadness in her voice, is she this touched by the story?

“I love it.” I say, even though the end was quite sad, but not all love stories are meant to flourish.

We don’t say anything anymore, we just sit in that comfortable silence, snuggling towards each other like little kittens, and this sweet feeling starts to build up inside of me.

I don’t know what to call it, but it is the opposite of being lonely.

“Maisie…”, I get up, remembering something that was bothering me for a while.

“This place, how much does it cost?” she looks at me, perplexed as if she wasn’t expecting my question.

“I can’t let you afford the rent, the bills and even the food all by yourself, Maisie.”

“What the hell?” Maisie looks up at me with a raised brow.

“I am serious Maisie, I can’t let you deal with everything while I sit around like a princess, I already feel guilty enough about it.”

“And what are you planning to do about it, baby? In your current situation.” I am not offended by her words, for I know she is completely right, I bite my lip, trying to think about something, but she surprises me and takes my hand in hers, I look up at her, and her eyes are on me, serious but gentle.

“Listen, baby, don’t you ever think that you are a burden on me or that you should worry about anything, we have lived in this place together for years and during those times, you were more than a sister to me, you had my back when no one else did.” Maisie smiles and looks at me, “You know, once I had this accident and I needed blood, you were there to donate your own blood to me although you hated having needles in your system, it is one of your greatest fears but you still did it for me. it is what we do, baby, support each other when we are down, take care of each other, you did, many times before, and now it is my turn. Not that I am doing it out of duty, but because you are my friend, and I love you.”

I can’t help the tears for I am beyond touched, I reach out for Maisie and hug her tightly, feeling truly blessed for having her by myside.

“I need to confess something to you.” I say, ashamed of what I have done earlier, she looks at me with those beautiful eyes of hers, some tears in them too, but before I can say a thing, we hear a ruckus outside our block.

Normally, none of us would care, however, be both recognize one of the voices.

His voice.

Nathaniel Williams voice.