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Hey…

A damn ‘hey’…

How stupid and irrational does one need to be to send their potential rapist a ‘hey’…

A lot, apparently, besides the total absence to any sign of common sense in their brains, I wonder if I can blame that on my amnesia, I am not sure but maybe they are related.

I hope they are related because I really don’t want to think of myself as a complete and utter dumdum.

I stare at my stupid hey as it sat there on the conversation field and I cursed myself, what the hell was I doing? I throw my phone angrily at the bed as if it a lump of burning coal, and after looking at it for a second, I flip it on the other side, I don’t want to see that damn hey, mocking me.

I shake my head and stand up, I feel too hot and embarrassed, even though there is no one in the room with me, I just feel as if I am surrounded by many judging eyes, I have been feeling like this a lot lately, under everyone’s careful watch, as if I am a ticking bomb that might explode if they took their eyes off me.

I walk to the square window in my room and open it, the apartment I was in wasn’t exactly something you can put on a magazine’s cover, it was pretty average, nothing is broken or worn out but in the same time, nothing is fancy and eye-catching, it was, however, cozy and very comfortable, warm if I may say, the window is not big but not small either.

I inhale the cold air, it is a bit dark outside, I see the cars pulling over in front of the block, others in front of small houses across the street, people returning to their homes, a feeling of emptiness washes over me as I look at them, for I don’t feel that I am home, even though I love this place and I like Maisie a lot and appreciate everything she had done and still doing for me, I just feel like a guest, even when I am alone in what is supposed to be my room, I can’t move freely, as if my arms are tied up, chained, and the chains are only allowing a very small amplitude of movement.

I look out of my window a bit more, and then something gets my attention, a silhouette of a person, standing under a tree outside the block area, a little glowing orange dote in its hand, a cigarette?

I try to focus on the silhouette but it is too dark and I can’t recognize their face, I just have this hunch, or maybe it is the brain cells which were dormant when I sent that stupid hey waking up, but judging by the way he was standing, I can't help but feel that he, or she, but probably he because of his big frame, was looking at my window…

A shiver runs down my spine and I instantly step away from the window, what the hell? I look down at my hands and they are shaking alright, why am I shaking? Why am I this scared?

I fight back the tears as I calm myself down, I can’t let myself cry at every given opportunity! I can’t let myself be that excitable and allow anything to get to me, I take deep breaths, that is right Natalia, inhale and exhale, there is nothing to cry about.

But just in case, it is better to lock the damn window.

I walk back to my bed, hesitating a little before picking up the phone, did it gain weight when I was away for it to feel this heavy? Or is it just my anxiety and fear? it won’t bite, it won’t bite, I tell myself as I let it unlock using my face…it won’t bi…

Okay, maybe it will…

I stare at the screen, at the three messages popping on the conversation, not five seconds after I sent mine.

Natalia?

Is that you?

Hello?

I hesitate a little before I take a deep breath and start typing, I know what I am doing is plain stupid, but somehow, deep deep down I know he didn’t rape me, maybe the medical report had some effect in building this conviction, it doesn’t mean he didn’t hurt me, in a way I still didn’t figure out yet, and although I know Maisie and Emma are doing their best to find out, I just feel like this is something I should find out myself.

I have hidden whatever relation I had with Nathaniel Williams from everyone, and I don’t need my memories to guess I have done that for a reason, whatever it is, I want to find out why myself, and then see if I want my secrets to be shared.

“It is me.” I send the text, I wonder if it has any meaning, it is me, it could be anyone, I shake my head at my own stupidity and I hold the phone to type some clarification, but before I can type a single letter, the phone rings with an incoming call.

The call was a surprise indeed, but not as much as the contact pic that showed up.

Me, smiling, with my cheeks a bit pink, my black hair tied up in a high messy bun, my hazel eyes gleaming with cheer happiness as I am sitting on a bed with big arms wrapped around my waist, my back pressed on a solid muscular chest, while the face of the other person is leaning from behind me to kiss my cheek, I recognize the jet black hair, and the corner of the lips which was pulled upward, was he smiling while kissing me?

I take a deep breath, the phone has been ringing and the phone call could probably end soon, I ask myself one last time, do I really want to do this? Do I want to leave the comfort zone where I am leisurely relaying on Maisie and Emma to find the answers for me? Or do I want to find out myself no matter how hard and long the journey is?

I make my mind with the last ring, as I answer the call.