Nineteen

What?" I look at her in horror. "How do you imagine that?"

"Pack your things, take a shower and I'll take you to the plane." She nods to me.

"It's getting harder and harder for me not to see that as a punishment." I know I sound defiant, but I notice how I am raising my defensive shield to full strength, otherwise I would not be able to survive this.

First I go to the bathroom and stand in the shower, the warm water pelts me and mixes with my tears.

'Jonathan would never have wanted that for you ...' it echoes over and over in my head. Why can't she tell him John, he hated it as much as I did to be called by our own parents' full name, but they have never been very considerate of our feelings.

Why should they start now of all times?

I clench my fists and try to regain control of myself, something I have perfected over the past few years.

On the outside the radiant, fun-loving young woman who never leaves anything out, but fragile inside and still mourning her big brother. The big brother who meant more to her, as she can ever express it in words ...

I've learned to turn off these feelings, but I'm really good at it.

When I step out of the shower and wrap myself in a large towel, it is as if I am losing my so laboriously constructed facade.

It may seem worthless to most, but it's my way of moving on.

Take everything with you ... at all costs.

I wipe the haze from the mirror with a quick movement of the hand and my dark blue eyes look at me tired, they seem a little too big for my face and rub them on me. With the effect that they turn a bit more red and I reach into my mirrored cabinet to get my eye drops out. After I put a drop in each eye they are white again as if by magic and I look a lot fresher.

If you learn something in LA from an early age, it is that your appearance is your figurehead and I pay close attention to my appearance ...

I comb through my long hair and tie a ponytail. I put on my make-up and then go into the bedroom, where my mum is busy packing my bags.

I see her packing up all of my thicker sweaters and I sigh softly. It's 28 degrees here, it's mid-October ... I'll be changing in the middle of the semester, even though I haven't noticed much of the current semester. I see myself failing grandly ...

Is that what she wants

See me fail again?

I take a pair of dark blue jeans out of the closet, slip into a pair of briefs and a bra and pull them on, then I grab a long-sleeved, black top from my suitcase and put it on too.

Then I silently help my mum to pack other things, including my books and my laptop, and finally we close the zippers of the two large bags.

When we are done, she calls a taxi and 20 minutes later we are heaving the bags into the car.

We are still silent, because everything that had to be said has been said too often in recent years ...

When she arrives at the airport, she takes a ticket out of her pocket and we look for the right check-in counter.

After we've checked the bags, she reaches into her purse.

“There are 5,000 euros on it, you will still need a few new things and books. The apartment is paid for and Grace will pick you up at the airport. ”She pushes a credit card into my hand. "I love you Anastasia." She hugs me and I notice how I stiffen.

I can't allow any physical closeness, not from her ... actually from nobody, but I find it particularly difficult with her. We never really had a close mother-daughter relationship, but it was okay the way it was. In the last few years there wasn't much left of the rest either ...

She lets go of me and brushes a strand from my face. "We love you."

"It doesn't feel like that," I admit and snort. My dad always focused on John and didn't notice me until he died.

Much to his displeasure, he had to realize relatively quickly that I am by no means the model daughter he wanted.

What does he expect?

I grew up with nannies and housekeepers, only John was able to give me the feeling of a family and he is gone.

I dig my cell phone out of my purse, remove the SIM card and give it to her.

"I won't need that over there, I'll buy a new one and send you the number." I shrug my shoulders and she nods slightly.

She wants me to leave my life behind me and I'll do her a favor ...

Like everything in my life, I don't do things by halves.

All or nothing.

"You are my life Anastasia." She breathes and I hear the hint of despair in her voice.

"No Mum, your life is the office and Dad is his too, you taught us that from childhood." I head for the security gate.

I have no comforting words for her, I cannot tell her that everything will be fine, because I haven't believed in that myself for a long time.

Two hours later I'm sitting in first grade and staring out the window, slowly I see LA disappearing beneath me.

I've never really been away from LA, of course the annual vacations to Hawaii, the Hamptons or Mexico.

But otherwise?

I haven't seen Grace, my mum's sister, for years and when I did, she came to us and we didn't. My parents have little time and even their free time is always organized. One vacation a year, otherwise, as already mentioned, the law firm always came first.

So I've never been to Ireland, I haven't even been to Europe ...

Unlike John. He had been to so many places, besides his studies he was a world class surfer and for competitions he jetted around the world and my fondest memories of him are when he kissed 19 on his board shortly before the start of a competition, then knew I, he thinks of me.