CHAPTER EIGHT- THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY

JOANABE POV

The news that comes from his mouth is not what I wanted to hear from him. The word 'engage' is not for me, He did not say the words that I am expecting to hear.

My eyes filled with tears are like candles that slowly melted away. I clenched my hand to hold back my will from slapping him.

My blood boils in my veins as anger inside of me is slowly reaches my mind. My heart breaks into pieces while his warm hand touches mine. His words set cold water in my burning love for him. Now my heart is cold it is pitiful.

Love sucks, love hurts----

Love failed me.

My sniffing nose clenches from his odor, his presence. 

I stand from my seat. I look into his blue eyes and my mouth coldly said, "Congratulations, you have a happy ending awaits you. I am sorry, I am not hungry. I should get going."

Feet of mine start moving on its own away from him, from this place, away from reality, and away from the truth.

"Joanabe! Wait!" He screamed at me, running after me. 

I turn around to face him.

*Wait? Did you say wait? You know! I've waited for you, for many years. I thought of you in every music I performed in a stage. I did not care for the world we'll not listen to me as long as you hear me.* I tell myself while staring at those teary blue eyes. 

I stiffened, softly telling him. "Kane, I feel so... so happy for you. You finally have found the one. If you are happy then, I am happy." 

Sad but it is not true, I will never be happy. 

He hugged me tightly, "thank you, Joanabe. I hope you will find yours too."

While we hug, I gritted my teeth behind his back. This fills like a curse spell into me.

He pulls back from the hug and slowly massages my shoulders. I cannot stay longer on his side. This will only add to hurt me more. 

I hold his right hand in my right shoulder and place it down. I smile weakly and wishes to tell him goodbye, but I just turn away and head to my car.

Running after him for many years has finally come to an end. I have never got an answer to my questions, but it seems that it is clear to me that my life in music has come to be pointless.

MUSIC IS BEAUTIFUL WITH A MUSE. HOW CAN IT BE BEAUTIFUL IF THERE WEREN'T?

I unlocked my car and duck my head inside. I fasten my seatbelt.

Tears started to fall, "It's should have been me, It should be me. Why? Why not me?" I throw punches in my wheel and start banging myself in my seat.

"AHH!!" I screamed inside my car.

I see myself in the side mirror, "Look at you. You're broken into pieces by the people you care about the most. First, your father, and now Kane! Tell me, Tell me if I can put myself back into pieces?"

Agony from love is consuming.

My phone rings and I picked it up right away without knowing who called me, turning the loudspeaker. 

"Joanabe, where are you?" A gentle voice of a woman asked on my phone.

"Having time of my life, is this you Cheryl?" I answer in my hoarse voice.

"Are you not feeling well?" 

"A lot of things happened to me today most of them are devastating." My tears did not stop, my heart continues breaking, and it so hard to accept. 

"Have you ever loved someone that you devoted yourself to him for many years?" I blurted away what was in my mind.

"Joanabe, you know that love is not easy. Love is also letting go." She answers so easily like she knew everything.

"Letting go huh? Then have you ever tried of letting go of someone because you love them?" I asked furiously.

She sighs and takes a breath.

"Well, I haven't."

"I see, lucky for you." I force myself to chuckle from this stupid conversation. Cheryl is not helping me. This conversation feels so one-sided.

"Joanabe, as your friend. I want you to know that you have me and your mother that loves you so dearly. We will always have your back, no matter what happened," she eagerly said to me.

"Joanabe, you experience failure and cope with them effortlessly. People said that failure in love will lead you to the right one at the right time and I do believe it. Maybe not this time."

This made me cry harder. My shoulders are shaking, and I am trembling to hold my wheel.

My shoulders are shaking, and I am trembling to hold my wheel. Did I get Kane wrong? Am I asking too much?-expecting too much from him

"Let it all out Joanabe," Cheryl said as if she is right beside me sitting in the passenger seat. I wanted comfort. I wanted someone's presence in me, but sadly I am here alone in my car with no one to hold on.

I sob harder, sniff louder, and place my phone in the empty seat beside me.

I did not bring anything, so I am looking for tissues to stop these tears of mine. I open my glove and saw something that haunted my memories. My face frown.

~~~~~~~~

"He pulled out my mint green handkerchief in my pocket and wiped my tears in my cheeks with it. We were shocked at each other. 

"Th-Thank you." I shuttered with my words while thanking Kane with his small gestures to her.

"Keep this," He handed his handkerchief to me. 

"But it's yours, you can't just give it away directly. I will wash this and return this for you," I said while holding the handkerchief in his hand.

"Silly, you can keep that. I don't need it, I think you it more than I do."

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Silly me. Why do you keep on running into my mind? Aren't you tired? I am so tired of thinking about you one-sidedly, sadly I will not be using you for these tears for you have caused them." I talked in the mint green handkerchief inside the open grove.

"Joanabe, hey! Is someone there with you?" I checked on my phone. I forgot she did not hang up nor did I.  

"I am sorry, just my silly thoughts. Do not worry, I am not with a stranger just me, myself, and I like always." 

"You have me here Joanabe." She sounds so firm and certain. I wish all people are like her.

"Thank you, Cheryl, for always here beside me." 

"Joanabe, I have to tell you something but you are having a bad day. I called you on a wrong day."

"Silly you! Tell me, you owe me one. You did not watch my performance today. I could have introduced you to Shally Mae and-- and---uhh." I shake my head off, and it is not worth mentioning him. I am hesitating. 

"Who is it?" Cheryl asked me curiously.

"My friends!" I said more like I lashed out. 

"Ohhh... Okay...Joanabe...I am engaged!" She squealed happily on the phone.

How lucky is she?

I smile while looking at the phone. I kinda feel jealous honestly.

"I am happy for you!" I said.

"Thank you. I want you to sing at my wedding. That's all that I wanted to say."

"What?! Really? Of course. I will do it for you. Hey! you haven't told me about your boyfriend. I mean your fiance. You are keeping secrets from me." Nagging her on the phone, I am really curious about them.

"We will talk about the details tomorrow." 

"No! Tell me! A teaser!" I pick up my phone quickly, turn the loudspeaker off and place it in my ears.

"You are sure so excited. Okay, I'll tell his name for now... "

"Kane Boucher."