Something Very Stupid

“What could it be?” I ask, my eyes burning with all the tears, I hate the fact I am crying like a baby all the time but it is too much to take.

Every day, every single day since I woke up not knowing who I am, is but another labyrinth where I have to run and run trying to answer my questions but I only end up with more.

I feel like I am falling inside this endless pit, just falling and falling, neither saved nor crushed to the ground, I am stuck midair with nothing but fear.

I am devastated, mostly because without my memories, I feel naked to the eyes, without anything covering me, it feels as if my memories were a shield that I used to hide my thoughts and myself, but without it, my mind was bare.

Call me ungrateful but I don’t like the fact that what used to be my secrets were no longer that secret, I don’t remember the reason why I hid secrets about myself from my best friend and the people who knew me, there must have been a reason though, and I am bothered by the fact that I don’t have the power to protect my privacy anymore, to be so vulnerable and exposed.

I feel so sorry for myself I can barely swallow the bitterness on my mouth right now, I am too drained from everything but mostly the feeling of being so lost and helpless, I just shed silent tears, Maisie comes closer to me and give me a side hug, I lean back on her shoulder, we don’t exchange any words until I am calmer, something I am thankful for, it seems as if I am not able to take more at that moment, nothing good, nothing bad, just nothing, I am filled to the brim to the point where anything, no matter what if it is small or big, is capable of making me break down again.

I have no idea how I fell asleep, all I know is that I woke up covered with a soft blanket which is probably Maisie’s doing, how sweet can a person be?

Looking around me at the cozy room, I smile faintly, I take few deep breaths to shake off the negativity, telling myself that at least I have a place to stay, and someone to take care of me, the thought made me somehow feel better about things, even though they seem very dark and hopeless in a way, I am still surrounded with people willing to help me unconditionally.

"Oh, you up?” Maisie’s head peeks from my door, her red hair wet and her light make up gone, I find her to be very cute this way, with those angry freckles and natural blush, she is beautiful in her own way, not the sexy kind of beauty but the innocent childish kind.

“I will quickly dry my hair and make us some hot cocoa. There is something I need to tell you.” I nod happily, my mouth watering at the thought of chocolate, am I chocolate junky as well? Or is it just the sight of Maisie and her endless kindness that makes me this happy, whatever it is, I feel my mood brighten up.

The power of a good nap!

i wrap the blanket around my body although I am not really feeling cold, it is just an act of instinct to reassure myself, for I, somehow, feel much better after sleeping and I want to embrace that feeling of serenity even if I know for sure that it is temporary, it just resembles hope, and hope was all I had at this moment.

“So, what did you want to tell me.” I ask Maisie while breathing in the hot cocoa, it was nice but not like the coffee, she sighs before placing her cup on my nightstand, by the fact it was empty I guess hot cocoa is her addiction and not mine, I chuckle internally at my best friend, she is even cuter like this, away from her white coat and high bun, away from the smell of disinfectants and the thin glasses, she looks not a day older than me in that warm hoodie and leggings although we had an age gap of five years.

“It is about hospital fees.” I frown directly at her words, not knowing what to do about them and even if I have the money to pay, I know those exams were anything but cheap.

“Don’t panic, they have been settled until the last penny, by, Mr. Williams.” I look at her, my jaw almost hitting the ground.

“What? Why?”

“Well, when the hospital administration asked him the same, he said it was something in your contract, that he is to handle any medical fees during the time you worked for him.”

“That is odd!” were all contracts like this? I ask myself, even without my memories I know this is just too much to offer to an employee.

“Yeah? Well, it gets odder, some of the exams we did on you were optional and should not be covered by that contract, Dr. Jones was going to pay for them because she was the one who suggested them, but he still paid for those as well.”

“Do you think it is a way to buy my compassion?” at my suspicious question Maisie shook her head.

“I don’t know but this matter has been settled privately, and if it wasn’t for Dr. Jones involvement, we wouldn’t be hearing about it at all.”

Then why? I look at my cup as if I may find my answers written there.

“What can I do, Maisie? To regain my memories, I want to know the truth, whatever it is, and I want to go back to my old life, I can’t go on like this any longer.” I say with determination, already settling my mind on my prior decision, to go after the truth no matter what it is, I want to face it and then carry on with my life.

“As Dr. Jones said, your memories would come back under the right circumstances, so we must put you under those circumstances, just safely.” I look at her, waiting for her to elaborate more.

“Well, the fragments of memories you have been remembering, they are all related to either situations or places, am I right?” I nodded, seeing where she was going.

“I, I think I want to see him again.” I say after taking a very deep breath, and God wasn’t it all consumed in those few words, Maisie looks at me as if she expected it and nods approvingly.

“I agree, but not right away, I don’t want you breaking down again.” I want to protest but I choose to remain silent, I know she had a point but all the waiting was killing me, especially after reading those texts, my thoughts are all over the place, and if what Maisie presumed was true, that he didn’t rape me, then I think I can handle talking to him, both ways, I believe it is the way to find a footing to start, even though I am still terrified by the fact that I might get hurt in some way.

“Okay, I will call Emma and let her know, I think an extra person with us would make you feel safer.”

I nod at her but what I want to do is ask her who invited her to join me? And more so invite other people? I can’t though for I know she is only doing this to help me, she is the closest person to me at that moment and I don’t want to be an ungrateful bitch while I have received nothing from her but utter kindness, it is just that, there is this little dark part in me that wants to meet him alone.

“So, what do you want for dinner?” she asks while getting up.

“I Don’t know, do I have any preferences?” I look at her with a knowing smirk and she chuckles, making me feel even more guilty about my thoughts.

“Pasta with shrimp and garlic it is then.”

“Sounds fine by me.” I say, not having any idea whether I actually like pasta and shrimp or not, Maisie then walks to her room and comes back with some stuff in hand.

“While I go buy some groceries, you go inside and take a good bath.” I took the clothes and toiletries with a thankful smile before bidden her my goodbyes.

Once she was out of the room and the house, I release a breath I didn’t even know I was holding, grabbing my phone, I resume my reading, trying to skip all the embarrassing messages and pictures we have shared, God, how can someone make shamelessness sound so hot?

The other messages I busied myself reading were somehow warm, I even found myself smiling while reading them, there was a good morning message each morning, sweet talks during the day, he never missed asking about me, or checking on me, even when we talked on the phone, he would ask me to send him pictures of what I was doing, there were literally pictures of me everywhere, and I somehow felt…restored.

I couldn’t put the feeling into proper words, I just felt as if my memories were safely stored in these messages and that warmed me up, enough to the point where I did something very very stupid.

I texted him a Hey.