Two

v e r n o n

Days felt running for long has gone since I last saw Catherine.

I am to blame for I’ve been skipping my classes. The only thing that got me here again today is her. Since that day on the lab, I was never the same.

Her features were so vivid in my memory and I’m seeing her even in my sleep, like that drug you tasted for the first time and you couldn’t get it out into your senses. I’m on the first stage of being intoxicated, the part where you get a taste and you want more. As for her, I got a glimpse and selfishly, I want more. More than just stolen glances, a few exchanges of conversation and forced formalities in between test tubes and flasks. Perhaps, more than just lab partners. 

Strange for I have always loathed school but lately, I’m finding interest to attend it frequently.

On a lazy Monday afternoon, amidst noisy tables and busy people, I sat idle with my friends in the crowded school canteen.

"Damn mark, that black eye doesn’t suit you at all." Mingyu’s voice was loud over our table.

He was mocking Mark who's looking grumpy with a purplish and swollen eye.

"You suck at fighting." Cold and frank as usual, Wonwoo drawled lazily. 

"If you can't get a hold of yourself, you shouldn't let yourself get drunk." JB, who's more of the mature guy in our group joined the banter. His advice sounded like a counselor. I nearly laughed.

"He's not just drunk anyway. He's high."

"There were dope that night? From whom?"

Their conversation rang through my ears and faded slowly until I am hearing and seeing nothing except an ethereal figure. Catherine was with her friends on the table across us.

I was effortlessly lost staring at her as she conversed busily. She would often throw her head back laughing, bringing her cheekbones up, and her eyes beaming brighter than the afternoon sky. 

My stolen stares lasted longer until they weren't stolen anymore. She noticed and she kept her eyes on me, sneaking and reassuring. I smirked to let her confirm. I thought she'd be shy but I thought wrong. It's always been series of misconceptions when it comes to her.

She fixed her eyes on me until we were on a matching stare.

My gaze drifted abruptly on her wrists. Her sleeves were now rolled up, leaving her skin exposed. I checked twice but the bare skin was now clear of any cuts. No scars either. 

They probably weren’t that deep to vanish within days. I can't help but think that she might have done it last time because of stress. A tough way of coping up to sadness. People's coping mechanism varies, and maybe to her--it's cutting. Self-harming would never be right but we do wrong all the time anyway.

People do shitty things to cope with pain. Some resort to drinking alcohol, some do drugs, some smoke cigar, some would even inflict pain to someone else and some just hurt themselves. Either way, everyone's intoxicated.

"Vernon!" Mingyu waved his hand in front my face, making me snap out of my reverie.

"What?" I blinked in confusion.

"Did you also get a taste that night in the party?" Interest rose along with his devilish smirk. 

"What?"

"Don't play innocent. I know you tasted dope too."

"Of course, Vernon is a regular user." Teased Mark. I glared at him. 

A bitter feeling resurrected from the pit of my stomach. I suddenly felt too ashamed to be even included in the conversation. I clamped my jaw hard, gathered patience and got up. 

“Hey, what’s wrong?” 

There were protests from Mingyu but I quickly left the table. 

At 3 in the afternoon, the laboratory was wide empty. Chairs were vacant and the ticking of the clock was the only thing loud amidst silence. Subtle sun rays from the curtains were tenderly caressing my skin. For the record, I was first in class. I suddenly felt proud of myself. 

Out of boredom, I impatiently tapped the pencil on my desk. Minutes passed and the lab was slowly getting filled but the person I am waiting for is still out of sight.

I shut my eyes and was about to doze off until I caught a sight of a familiar face. I straightened my back, fixed myself and faced Catherine the moment she sat beside me.

"You're late." I watched her settle her things.

"Excuse me?" Her brow raised and was obviously annoyed but I managed to grin instead. 

"I said you're late." I glanced at my watch. 

"Just to tell you, the teacher hasn't arrived yet and why do you even care? Did I give a damn about you when you haven't been attending the class for like, what five, or seven days?" She spoke fast in a sardonic tone and I had to restrain myself from smiling. I found her adorable, as much as I hated to admit it.

“I was sick. I promise I won’t have any absences again.”

"I don’t care, Choi. I’m not your teacher.” She rolled her eyes.

"I know but here I am, I’m back because I miss---" I stopped mid sentence. The skin between her brows creased, waiting for me to continue.

“Miss what?" 

"I miss chemistry. I miss the lab. You know what? I realized I really love chemistry. There's so much to learn about. I think I would like to be a scientist someday. Maybe I could become like Joseph Boyle or Avocado." Sarcasm was screaming in my tone.

The perpetual scowl resurfaced on Catherine’s face. 

"It's Robert Boyle. Avogadro, not avocado." One scornful look and she turned her back.

She raised a book on her face, blocking me even in her peripheral.

“Avogadro.” I whispered to myself.

I heaved a deep sigh as the teacher soon arrived and started blabbering in front. The entire class has been boring because I don't give a damn about chemical reactions and my seatmate has practically ignored my existence the whole hour. 

__

Rumbling music, air reeked with the smell of alcohol, sweat, cigar smoke, vape and weeds. People were dancing and laughing. Almost every night, my scene is like this. Total chaos and madness. I am constantly getting wasted and high, wasting my youth while convincing myself that this is happiness. 

Happiness is in late night bars, in crazy house parties, in make out sessions and in alcohols. Happiness is in every empty bottle of vodka, in every hips I held, in kiss marks carved in my skin, in the lips of random girls and in every high and drunken night.

Every party that is bounded to be forgotten when sober is meant to remind me that there is home in the absence of a peaceful place to sleep at night. Every stranger’s skin that I’ve grazed reminds me that I am meant to touch but never to love. I am indeed happy. So fucking happy, sometimes I want an escape.

"This is lit!" Mark screamed cheerfully as we entered yet another house party. A group of guys welcomed him, making us part ways.

I went straight to the kitchen where the beer kegs were located. With a cup of beer in hand, I was determined to isolate myself until some random girl approached me. It happens like a very tiresome routine.

"Vernon, right?" 

I nodded.

"Valerie." She offered a hand shake which I accepted. But it was no usual hand shake. She purposely stumbled on her feet and fell right to my chest.

"Oh, sorry! A little tipsy." She held her head, pretentiously acting dizzy. I held her shoulders and supported her waist until she's standing straight.

"Stop drinking, then."

"I know, right? Shall we go out for some air?"

"If you excuse me Val, I really need to find someone."

"Oh..." The dismay was evident but she moved a bit, leaving space for me to walk away.

I crossed the sea of people until I caught Mingyu laughing with the other guys on a sofa. Bottles of tequila and unlit cigarettes lie on the small table before them.

"Vernon! Have a shot." Mingyu welcomed me with a shot of tequila which I gulped within a second.

"Are we getting into new trouble tonight?" A sneaky grin formed below Mark’s droppy eyes. 

"I’m game into anything." I perched a cigarette between my lips and lit it. 

"Let's go upstairs." 

Mark led us to the second floor and we entered a bathroom by the end of its long hallway. We eyed him cautiously as he brought out small packs of white powder.

"Holy fuck, where'd you get them?" Asked Wonwoo who in spite his fixed blunt face, sounded thrilled now.

"Sources." A sneaky grin formed on mark's studded lips. It was followed by a naughty and idiotic laugh.

Mark parted the fine powder to the four of us. Like a drill we are so used to, we ducked and inhaled the powder from the sink until there is none left. 

With a reddish and sore nose, I headed back to the living room.

It only took a few minutes before my entire body felt light, as if I am a thin paper floating on air. It was beyond relaxing. I felt like a dust in a vast universe.

My eyes shut and my smile grew from ear to ear. I was floating atop marshmallow-like clouds, with birds flying over me and petals falling in my face in a very ticklish feeling. I moved in a circular motion and I knew this was the peak of everything. My heart was at its fullest content. I was drowning in pleasure. I reached heaven and I didn't want it to stop. 

The flying ended and I crashed on a soft field of flowers. They were covered in mist that shined like crystals. Their petals are vividly red that sparkles in to purple and turns lilac. I don’t know. They are in flashing and varying colors. Their sweet fragrance lingered through my nose and drove me calm. I wanted so bad to sleep but I couldn't. I couldn't because in the back of my ears, I could hear loud music, people talking and shouting.

When I opened my eyes, I was back in the party. Frustrated, I got up on my knees and stumbled as I crossed the chaotic ocean of people. 

The patio was where I found my escape. The sound of rumbling music is still heard from here but less deafening. I sat on the lawn chair, ready to sleep again and get back to my beautiful dream until something more beautiful stopped me. 

A girl was sitting here before I came.

Her face was buried on her palms as her shoulder shuddered for heavy sobs. I was drowsy and dizzy but I knew her jet black hair all too well.

"Are you alright?" I asked softly.

Slowly, she tilted her head up, exposing her face. Midnight orbs under silky lashes met my eyes. They were the same features I adored so well except they were drenched in tears now. 

"Catherine.."

Her current state had me taken aback. Dress in disarray, hair disheveled and lipstick smudged. A total wreck of beauty.

It clenched my heart in ways I didn’t even know possible. I have long forgotten to care. Empathy was never carved in to my senses. The feeling of worry towards someone else was foreign until now. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Will you please go?" She hissed angrily. 

I stilled on my seat. I tried to hold her once again but she violently shoved my hand away. 

"Don't touch me." She warned sternly. Her eyes flew in to my face and I saw how the despair was replaced with immediate shock and fear. 

"Your eyes." A hint of disbelief rang through her voice.

"They're bloodshot. You're high." She grimaced at me like I’m the most despiteful person in the world.

For a second, I felt shame creeping through my skin.

"You reek of alcohol Catherine. We're both wasted. You don't push me away."

That silenced her. I leaned closer and she was frozen still. My fingers trailed her cheeks and slowly dried them off. I let my gaze trace the path of my fingertips on her face. Her eyes, I’m finally seeing them up-close. They were as dark as midnight and were glistening like constellations. 

At that very moment, I could hardly differentiate my hallucinations from reality. I wondered if I’m awake or if I’m back at my heaven. For as I looked at her, I knew this was my heaven. My safe haven in the cruel world. 

My eyes slowly darted to her lips. They were covered in red lipstick but I knew it'd be better without it. I don't know if it's the illicit substance in my body but there's something in me that made me want to rub off her lipstick using my own lips.

I ended the small distance between us. She shut her eyes and it made smile, thinking that maybe she wants this as much as I do. 

I waited to get a taste of her cherry lips but before I could feel them with mine, a huge fist crashed on my face. The strong thud smacked me down on the ground. Everything went black.