Who are you?

Its been a week since Dilan's funeral.

My eyes are swollen and I lost my appetite too. 

Dilan promised me to visit the beach today, he promised that we will celebrate our monthsary here.

I looked upon the sky to prevent the tears from my eyes to crawl down from my lashes.

" Dilan, Baby? Are you listening? I missed you, I know I've done so many stupid things and I never told you how much you mean to me, how much I love you, I wish you knew how much it destroyed me when you left." I hurriedly wiped the tears on my eyes and laughed like stupid 

I should not cry, Dilan will never be happy if he sees me crying.

The ocean is quiet, the smell of the fresh air and the coldness of the wind that makes my heart float from mid-air. 

The sound of the waves that is splashing on the shore, the warm water from the ocean that gently touched my toes.

" I'm ready Dilan! "

" phew" I released a heavy sigh " this is it" I stood up and walked slowly near the shore.

Right now, I'm ready to give up to follow the one I love to follow the one who really owns me.

" Hey stop! Stop!" I heard someone shouted, but I don't care at all, right now all I need is to remove all the pain that I am feeling inside me, I need to end this suffering, I need to follow him, I love him.

" Hey what do you think you are doing, " the man wearing a black polo shirt said as he pulled me back to the shore

" I...I want to end this" I said and cried like a baby

" Hey bro, don't do that.. think of your family, friends," he said 

I don't even know this person and why the heck is he invading my life.

I stared at him and I was shocked when I saw his face, am I dreaming? Is this real? What the hell? 

"DI.DILAN?" I said while stuttering  " is this a dream? Am I dreaming? " I asked continuously

" No, I'm Jordan," He said 

God? If this is a dream please don't wake me up, or am I dead already? I'm seeing things

" HEY!" I returned from my senses when I felt a slap on my face

I gently rubbed my face " I..i'm not dreaming?" I said 

" No you are not" he answered 

" Hey! What's happening over there?" We both stared at the pretty lady running near us 

"Sis, he almost drowned himself earlier," Jordan said

" Wait let me check," the girl said as she sat next to me and slapped my face slowly

" hey..buddy.. are you okay?" She asked

" Ye...Yes.. sorry" I answered as I tried standing up but I fall down again

Thank goodness Jordan immediately run and caught me.

They assisted me in the lobby and offered me water. 

" What do you think you are doing earlier? By the way, my name is Kim, Jordan's sister" Kim said 

I don't know if this is the right time to share this, and if she is the right person to share my story.

" It's fine if you can't say it," She said and tapped my back that caused my eyes to start from watering

" I want to die, I want to end my life," I said while sobbing 

" Why?" she curiously whispered 

I don't have a choice I need someone to share my burden. 

" My boyfriend died, because of me" I blurted 

" What do you mean?"

" Today is our 5th months, we promised each other to visit the beach to celebrate it, but, we encountered a car accident that... that" I can't continue my statement, I cried as an ocean 

" You don't need yo say anything more, come here," Kim said and hugged me

" Cry, Let it all out, right now you are stabbed with millions of needles and the only thing you can do to remove the pain is to feel it at first and when you are ready you can start to remove it one at a time," She said and brushed my hair

" Here" we both started to Jordan offering a handkerchief

" You can have my brother," Kim laughed

" What!?" Jordan said 

" Kidding, I just want to lighten the mood up," She said 

" I'll just get some snacks, okay, Jordan stay with Dilan for the meantime," Kim said

" Everythings gonna be alright" Kim added before standing up

I felt secured when Jordan held my hands and pressed it gently. 

Was that static? I felt the electricity.

This will be the longest and loneliest night I'll ever have. 

I was about to stand up when Jordan pulled my hand and stopped me

" Where are you going?"  He asked

" I already consumed too much your time I think I need to go to my room and take a rest," I said and smiled 

" Are you sure that you are fine now?" He asked

" Uhmm." I nodded and smiled 

I continued walking, I took a deep breath and tears started coming out from my lashes.

It hurts, I am hurt, my heart is aching and I don't know what I am going to do to ease these pains.

As I reached my room, I immediately went to the bathroom and opened the shower, the cold water from the shower splashed all over my body, I sat down and huddled myself in the corner, I let my tears fall down with the call water. 

" Fuck!" I shouted while punching my chest

Dilan, Dilan, what am I going to do now? How am I going to pick myself up from the ground, how am I going to face this world, how am I going to live happily, I can't live without you 

I continued crying until my eye gets tired, I went out of the bathroom and changed my clothes, I took the beers from the fridge and drank it continuously, I know that this won't help to resolve the pain and issue I am facing right now, but at least this will help me to sleep and forget the pain for the meantime, I believe that sleeping is the best way to escape from reality.

I'll rest now because tomorrow I will have another battle to fight.