Kapitulo 5: Painful Kiss

I peered at Martin's ring finger through my lashes. The ring that symbolizes our union is missing. It was gone and someday he will place another ring from another woman. Thinking about that possibility made my insides protest.

A man would only remove his ring when they saw someone better. And maybe he did with Nadia.

Martin's ice cold face remained stern. As if he never gives a damn about everything.

I trace his brows, to the corner of his light green eyes using my shaking finger. These orbs used to look at me with love. Once upon a time, I am the only woman who can enter in this pair of eyes. It used to linger on my bare self. Never leaving me, how can that change so fast.

I put my hands away and place it on my lap.

Those times turned into a sweet yet torturous dream. I felt empty.

Tears after tears quietly flowed down my cheeks, I never bothered on wiping them. Leaving a wet trail before dropping over my cold fingers. I stared directly in his eyes. 

For once, all the pretense that I have mastered, to act tough, was gone by the window. The courage I have when I slapped Nadia was just me acting strong and all. 

"For you, Martin, my heart learns how to love. But this heart of mine, with you, it also learned how to get tired. I may be able to forgive you in this lifetime, but the pain you inflicted on me, even if you didn't care, will forever stay with me."

I want to move on. And moving on means accepting the reality, that we can no longer be together, regardless of how much it's hurting me. 

"Just for a minute, can you, can you bring my husband back? Can I- can I borrow Martin for one last time? The Martin, whom I have loved so much?"

Martin's eyes deepened. His eyes glinted as if a storm was brewing in the deepest part of his soul. He shot me with an unfathomable look making me momentarily wonder.

"What do you want?" 

His tone stayed calm and collected. Although his voice was laced with a bit of suspicion it sounded low and magnetic. His face unperturbed. Martin's demeanor never changes as if nothing is worthy of his attention.

"I just want to kiss him goodbye, please?"

I know I sound really pathetic. But, I wanted to indulge myself one last time, because I know once he stepped out of this room, he will never be mine again.

Martin tilted his head and stared directly into my eyes. His green eyes become a shade darker, almost turning black. His piercing orbs were like a swirling black hole.  Sucking in whatever it laid upon. It was as if he was trying to understand what I have in mind.  As if he's reading my mind, I felt exposed.

"And what would I get, in return?" 

The look in his eyes intensified. However, he appears as if he was talking about a business deal with an annoying client. And he has no other means but to give in.

"I," 

I hesitated, but still swallowed hard and shot him a determined smile while holding the sob that I wanted to escape my lips

. "I will sign it."

I waited as I saw him contemplate on my proposal. I almost held my breath while waiting. I actually don't know why I'm asking for this idiotic idea like an impulsive teen but this is what my heart's want to.

My heart was beating painfully fast beneath my chest.

Martin raised his brow as he looked down on me. Akin to how a child amuses himself on a harmless white bunny. His slightly creased forehead eased a little. 

"Make it fast," Martin compromised.

I smiled and gently tugged the corner of his shirt bringing his face closer to mine.

"It's okay, you can close your eyes if you feel disgusted. I just want to be with him, one last time. As his wife, and as her husband."

I let all my inhibitions go.

I gently grab his nape down until our eyes leveled. I tilted my head and bring our faces closer.

My shaking cold lips met his warm one. Funny when he looks cold, but his lips are warm. I feel him stilled for a moment before he relaxed.

'He really dislikes my touch.' I can't help but bitterly thought.

Our lips pressed lightly against each other, tasting. My lips moved unconsciously. I gathered all the feelings I wanted to convey to him. The bitterness, hope, and despair. I poured all of it through the kiss. 

I remember all the memories that we shared. His gentle smile, his cheerful laugh, his goofy grin and his caring attitude. I miss him so much that it hurts. But I do not regret meeting him. 

As our lips glued together, Martin never once responded. His face remains lowered. Letting me do what I want.

I peered at him. His eyes are close. His long eyelashes casting a faint shadow on his cheeks.

It hurts. It really does. But, what else can I do? I can't keep him forever, at least he won't let me. And I can't be like this all the time. Holding on to something only to suffer endless heart ache.

I felt my tears fall freely down my cheeks. I hope after this day I will never cry for the same person again. It was as if thousands of small needles are piercing my heart. Stabbing it over and over again. It hurts!

"I missed you so much..."

I close my eyes tightly. As our kiss leave a bitter taste in my heart.

Happy second anniversary, Martin. I'm setting you free now. You won, because I gave up. Because it's hard to gamble with someone who doesn't even love you anymore. I'm tired of involving myself in an almost futile fight, when I know that I have no one by my side. It's meaningless. It's pointless.

I slowly distanced myself from him and turned away. I wipe my tears away before smiling at him with complicated gaze. Only then did I notice that the cat I had been holding earlier had left. See? Even that brat dares to leave me.

"Thank you. Hand it over."

Martin quietly presented the document that I needed to sign. I wordlessly grab it and put my signature above my name despite my shaking hand.

"I'll give you three months to move."

He generously offered.

"No need for that."

He nodded and stared intently at me. He closed the case and turned his back. His steady steps made me want to run after him and tell him not to leave.

If not for the little self-awareness that I have, I would have begged him to stay no matter what and make him say that he was just jesting and burn those papers.

However, all I could do is just silently following him with my eyes until I can no longer see even his shadow. However, my eyes remain fixated staring at the tightly shut door.

Fresh batch of tears freely streaming down my face.

Is this it? Martin, in your heart am I just a big joke to you?

After that I bawl my eyes out. Refusing to talk with anyone including Patricia. This will be the last time. I promise. Because I am tired of crying all alone.