Kapitulo 1: A Woman's Heart

 "I'm sick with you, Helga. I want divorce! Divorce! Can't you understand that? Let's stop this. Let us be done with this misery! Because I'm done with you."

Tears streams freely down my lashes. His stabbing words hurts my heart over and over again. How many times did I heard him say this? Two? Four? Five? I lost count.

Disappointed? It wasn't new, after spending a year with him, disappointment was never a foreign feeling.

And every time he brought this up, I never agree. No matter how many times did he broke my trust. Even if thousands of needle seems like piercing my chest, still I chose to hold on.

"No, Martin. What's the problem? Don't casually mention divorce. Let's fix it, okay?" 

I reach my hand trying to hold his arm. Tears keeps pouring down my face.

Martin dodged and avoided my touch. As if he's very repulsed about my very existence. He stared at me coldly. 

"It's too late Helga. I can't live with you anymore. You are so selfish. You hurt people just because you want to. I feel disgusted just by looking at you!" he bellowed.

With his accusation I automatically argued back.

"You're being unfair! You are the one who has somebody else waiting for you, just outside of our door! You are the one who is cheating with another woman outside. People see you Martin! Why don't you tell me? Who is the selfish one? Is it wrong for me to tell your woman that she is flirting with a married man?!"

 My hand grabs the vase and roughly throw it against the wall. The porcelain shattered with a bang sound. Just remembering that woman's face made my chest ache even more.

"She's just my friend Helga! We don't have a relationship. You slap her in front of so many people, Helga. Don't you feel remorse? God knows if you would resort to killing! For gods sake just because of your jealousy you can hurt a totally innocent person! Forget it, you're just another spoiled brat. "

He's defending Nadia, his mistress again?!

"If she's just your friend, why doesn't she stay away from you? She knows that youre a married man, Martin, then why is she clinging to you like a snake? If you're indeed friends, why would you even divorce me? She's your mistress right?! Admit it!" 

I raise my voice to match his. I don't want to give up. I have to prove him my point. However, I know that it won't make any change.

Martin's eyes are red from suppressed anger. Without hesitation he turned and walked towards the door. He swings it open and strode to his car.

"My lawyer will bring the divorce paper for you!"

 At that moment I feel lost. So lost. It was as if cold water was poured over me when I saw his back.

No, he can't leave me! I panicked. Fear attacked my system. 

"No! Martin! Tell me what you don't want with me, I will change for you! I, I'm just being jealous. I, I won't believe those gossiping people again. I understand they are just creating rumors! Just please don't leave me! I won't pester her anymore! I don't want to divorce you!"

I screamed and run after him. But I only saw his car pulling away from our home. I just stood by the door blankly looking at his speeding car.

He's going to her place again. I know.

My knees felt weak. My lashes, wet from tears. Lines of the now wet black eyeliner coated my cheeks. I know I look like a mess.

Why is he doing this to me? Just for that woman, he can bear to hurt me? What happened to our vow? Are the happy memories we have with each other just a sweet dream? Or was it just my illusion from the very beginning?

Martin, did you really loved me?

"I just don't want to lose you." 

I roughly pulled my hair, hoping to divert the pain I am feeling and possibly wake myself up from this nightmare. My heart feels very heavy, yet at the same time empty.

"I'm your wife, but, why do I have to beg for your time?"

What happened next past like a blur. As I continue staring at the direction he drove off to, like a fool that I was. I stayed there doing nothing until my body gave up from exhaustion.

"You're awake? How can you sleep all night on the cold floor? What, don't tell you want to experience lying like a pig?!"

My eyes met with a woman's pair of worried orbs. I don't know why both corner of my eyes suddenly became hot. Seeing her familiar face. Her familiar warmth. The warmth I crave for a long time. A sob escaped my lips. 

"Patricia he wanted to divorce me. What should I do? I can't. Help me please? I can't afford to lose Martin. I can't live without him!" 

Maybe because it's her, Patricia. I found an ally in her, that I could let go of all the bitterness and grievances. That's why tears just keep pouring like a river down my lashes. I felt like a child seeking for my mother's comfort. 

Patricia's tone immediately softened. "That's enough calm down Helga. Crying won't make him come back to you. Calm down, I'm here." 

Patricia worriedly grab my shaking hands. 

"Why is he hurting me like this? Did I do something wrong? I just tried to show that woman that she's flirting with a married man. Is that wrong? I'm just trying to save our marriage. Tell me Pat, don't I deserve to be love? Is it hard for him to love me? How can he easily choose her over me?" 

I can't stop the sobs from coming out of my throat. I feel so confused, so lost. I know I'm not that beautiful. I'm not as sexy as his mistress, Nadia. But I love him more than how much she loves him! Isn't that enough? 

"No, you deserve to be loved Helga. Trust me you do. Calm down. Stop crying." 

Patricia grip my hands tighter. As if giving me strength to fight against my own pain. 

"He's so unfair!" 

I bit my lip suppressing my sobs. 

Will it always be like this? Crying until I passed out and will wake up every morning lying at who knows where. 

"I thought loving is sweet but why do I felt like I was poisoned? I don't deserve this pain, Patricia. I don't!"

I weep for my hopeless love. I sob for the sweet promises that we made. For the dreams we once built. For the vows we took in front of the Lord. I cried and cried. Until my tears get tired from flowing down. Until my throat feels so sore and my voice become hoarse. 

Patricia gently wiped the streams of tears on my face. In a daze, I took the wet warm cloth from her and scrub the tears and dirt away from my cheeks until I felt a stinging pain. Somehow waking me up from my reverie. 

"Helga, stop! Be careful! God, your face is so red. Your eyes are already swollen!" 

Shocked she quickly snatched the cloth away in distress. She rolled her eyes as she inspected my face. Patricia sighed. 

"Here, drink this. You need plenty of water."

"Thank you."

I weakly smiles at her as I place the glass against my dry lips and took a sip. The warm water soothes my aching throat. 

My eyes inadvertently landed on the bedside table. Stolen photos of Martin kissing a girl inside his car, outside an elevator and random photos of them scattered on top. 

"Ha!" 

With trembling hands the glass slips out of my grasp and shattered. It was as if the wound in my chest was cut open again.

My heart feels unbearably heavy. 

Patricia quickly gathered the photos and threw them in the trash. 

I feel numb and empty. I drilled my hands under the duvet in a futile attempt to hide it from Patricia. 

I bit my lower lip until I could taste a metallic taste in my mouth. 

My lips parted open as I begun to reason with her without question, like I always do to protect Martin with trembling lips.

"Martin, h-he said those a-are fake. He thought I don't believe him, but I do! Patricia please tell him that I believe him okay? Someone wants to create a misunderstanding between me and my husband!" 

"Helga," she helplessly interjected. 

However, I acted like a deaf.

"We don't need to divorce?" 

"Helga." 

"Right, did you see him earlier w-when you arrived? Breakfast, w-we don't have a b-breakfast yet. I have to cook! W-why don't you eat with us?" 

"Helga, wake up!" 

Patricia forcefully shakes my shoulder. Her eyes turning misty.

"We're the only person here. You have no one else with you! I caught you on the floor. You're so pale, I thought you're dead. With those shattered pieces of vase. Martin is gone, he's gone! Those pictures, they are not even edited. Stop making excuses for him! You're not stupid, stop being blind. Please, wake up Helga!"

It was as if a deafening slap was given to me. I cannot talk, my voice refuse to say any rebuttal. 

....

"Youre so early ah, 10 am? Where are you going?" I looked at Patricia who was currently brewing coffee. After what happened earlier no one tried to open a conversation again. And I was more than happy for that.

I smiled at her like nothing happened and continue packing the lunch box. 

"Martin needs his lunch." I lifted the lunch box to show her. Patricia's brow knitted. 

"Helga, you're already this old but you're still as stubborn as a child in a ID stage." She muttered under her breath.

She heaved a deep sigh. It took a few seconds before she spoke in a solemn voice. 

"If you're not happy anymore. Stop it. That's enough. Just, just love yourself a little more, okay?" 

Patricia's electric blue eyes bore into mine. Her eyes sad and helpless. I looked away from her.

I don't know why, I suddenly felt guilty. I feel ashamed. 

How pathetic do I look for her to beg? 

My fist clenched tight. Maybe I was being selfish. I made people around me worry. I hate this feeling. But I cannot control myself, my feelings. What can I do? I love that person. My lips parted however I can't even utter a single word.

"Helga, I'm serious. Promise me. Please?" 

I fell silent and faced her. This time I gave her the best smile that I can muster. A genuine one. My heart feels warm just by hearing her careful words. I knew she was just worried about me. I know she cares. And I'm more than thankful for that. 

"I'm doing this because I love myself, Patricia. Martin and I are married and God witness our union. I don't want to do something I will regret. Because I didn't get married just because I want to have fun. I marry him to have someone to grow old with. To have someone who I can share my life with, someone I can rely on; a lifetime partner."

I chuckled softly. 

"You may not understand me. You may think that I am very stupid, pathetic even. Yes, it hurts, it hurts so much. I feel like I'm going to lose myself. But Pat, at least if ever this marriage never works out the way I wanted it to be, at least I tried. I will not be ashamed. I have no regrets. I have done my part." 

I really did. But I hope it's enough. Because even though my heart is broken, I still hope that we will be able to fix our relationship. 

I knew Martin since college and I was 22. 

"It's hard to let go of the person you love Patricia. Even though loving brought pain we can learn to hold on to until the end. Even if there are only uncertainties a head."" 

When you love someone, in your eyes they will always be the best, to the point that no one can compare to them. You will not see what flaws he has. You will love every little detail you'll get from him. Because love makes a person blind. 

Loving is scary if I had known I wouldn't even dare to fall in love.