CHAPTER 1

Last week, she received a message from Oxford, declining her application form. And that made her heart broken. She already knew what's coming after her– her parents doubting her again to attain a successful life in the near future.

Oxford is the school where they wanted her to study for college and just by receiving the letter, it is done for her.

And now, it has come to another letter of uncertainty.

Will I have the scholarship?

Will I be able to go off to college?

If I pass, will it just be okay for them?

Well, it would be a great opportunity for me to even go to college in any school, as long as that school give me a scholarship.

You can do this Samantha.

If she's in doubt, she would always talk to herself, convincing her that she can do anything. Her brother just graduated two years ago, and now he on the other side of country. Not that he abandoned his family, he just work there because of the obvious answer: his parents.

And she will be like that too... soon.

[Hey sis!!]

"Hi brother! I missed you."

[You know I miss you too... all of you.]

"Won't you be coming hone for summer?"

[Well, about that. I talked to my boss and he said we will be having a break soon... Maybe just -ber months? I'm not really sure. I'm sorry Sam if I can't come home for summer.]

"Its okay, I totally understand."

[But don't worry, I'll be sending you money there, and I'll be sending an extra to you... don't tell them about it okay?]

"Really!?"

[Yes, really. I wasn't able to attend your graduation but didn't get the chance to treat you out.]

"You really don't have to."

[But I want to, okay? Treat yourself like buying clothes for college... you know...]

She sigh after hearing the word 'college'. A really short word enough to pressure her big time!

[Why? What's wrong?]

"I just got a message from Oxford."

[And?] Hes brother ask with a hint of excitement. She smiles weakly as she ready herself to break the news, but was cut shortly when his brother talks. [You didn't?]

"I'm sorry, Mikael. I know I should have done better—"

[You did just fine, lil sis! I am happy that you tried. Don't take it too seriously—]

"But mom and dad will! They want me to go to Oxford and i failed. And now... now, I received another message from BurnBright U."

[And?]

"I didn't open it yet."

[And why is that? Shouldn't you be too excited?]

"I am not excited at all. You know how kind of a big deal if I wont make it to Berkeley."

[You will, okay? I have faith in you and you should too.]

"Do you think mom and dad will like it if I ever make it to B.B?"

[Base on my experience? No. But, they won't have any other choice.]

Even just for a second, she manage to chuckle on her brother's words.

[And no matter where school you go or what course you take, just remeber I'm you're number one supporter. Okay]

"Thank you, Mikael. I really need your support right now."

Samantha Claire stood right infront of her parents as she kept her mouth shut, waiting for another hateful criticism. She couldn't seem to feel comfortable standing there, nor asking her parents if she could just go to her room and breathe. She's too frozen to even move, as well as thinking that she'd just crack her voice if she talks.

Another minute has passed and she didn't took her eyes off of her watch attached to her wrist, lying flat on her own lap. She could hear her parents whispering making her nervous every bit of second that could pass by.

They've been silent for freaking five minutes! She said to herself as she could not see how her parents could react.

"Dad–" she was cut off when she hear them standing up, pushing the chair aside. She look up as her father stood tall infront of her. She gulp, trying to read her father's expression. Instead of saying and predicting anything, she waited for her father to respond.

"You should've done better, Samantha Claire. I'm so disappointed." He said as he walks out of the dining area, making his way to the living room and continued watching where he left the television open. She felt like a dagger had made it's way to her heart as she didn't move a muscle. Her mother came for a rescue.

"Let's talk to your room?" She suggested, making her nod. She cannot decline any offer from her parents, that is why her mother grab her hand and pull her inside the room. As soon as she closes the door, she gave her daughter a tight hug.

"Oh my gosh congratulations, hun!" She caress Sam's hair as she could feel herself crying. But she fight the urge to cry anyways. Her mother broke the hug as she squeeze both of her shoulders lightly, shaking her a bit as well. A smile forms into her mother's lips. "I'm just so happy that BurnBright U. gave you that scholarship! You know we cannot afford such school, right?"

Here they go again

"Mom–"

"Your dad wanted you to go Oxford and you applied to every private and public colleges that—"

"I know, mom. And I'm sorry if my application got declined in Oxford. I just did my best and maybe—"

"Maybe your best wasn't enough? Come one, Samantha Claire. We've talked about this. You know your dad only wanted what's best for you... We always lecture you about our life status and we are dependent to these opportunities—"

"I know, I know. But an opportunity was given to me by BurnBright! Wouldn't that be enough?"

"You know it's not. You're gonna study in a public school–"

"Mom! I don't know what's the case in here but wouldn't you just be lucky that I manage to have a scholarship grant from a school? Enough to make me sustain my studies because I know you cannot afford it. But you should also consider my capacity and it ends in B.B! If I'm smart enough, Oxford would've just make me stay but what? They don't." She heard her mom scoff as she walks out of the room, making her lock it and slide, starting to feel her warm tears flowing down her own eyes.

Fuck this! She thought to herself as she let herself cry for the next minutes before deciding to stand up and rummage to her old box. Samantha stopped crying as she continues searching for her stuff until she successfully found what she is looking for.

A blade.

She took a deep breath as she sits at the edge of her bed, removing her jeans, revealing her pale skin. She close her eyes the moment she felt the cold metal touching her skin.

They're not happy! It is not enough!

She bit her lower lip as he push the blade inside her skin, drawing a straight line not longer than five inches. As soon as she's done with it, she open her eyes to feel such tranquility. She has never felt such pleasure after a long time.

She watch as the blood slowly flows out of the wound, starting to drip off into her mat, making such a stain.

"Shit!" She mumble as she immediately got her handkerchief from her bag, covering her cut. As soon as she secluded the tightness, she stood up, getting an unused cloth from her drawer, soaking it wet and silently wiping her own blood. She took a deep breath as she could see in that blood, a lot of things she knew she's the only one who can see it— so much pain she had to endure for everything. And that is what made her until now. She was made with love but as time flies by, she could slowly start to realize that she's not made to be loved and be supported, she was made to only follow orders even if she's starting to lose interest. But what can she do? They're unfortunate in terms of financial issues, but she is fortunate to be this determined to do whatever it takes just to make her parents proud.

"Fuck this." She mumbles, wiping the tears that started to flow from her own eyes.

You should have done better!

You can be on top!

Is this the best you've got? Or maybe you're just too lazy to study

You're our champion. Prove it.

Be the first and I'll be proud!

The words continued echoing into her own head. Feeling more and more pressured than ever, she grab the blade once more, trembling as she stare at her other thigh.

Pale white skin.

Make me proud

You should have done better

Make me proud

Make me proud—

She whines in pain after she could feel the sharp cold blade, once again slicing her pale skin. Blood flows right again, making her exhale, feeling a bit relaxed as soon as the voices kept silent into her head.

"Good girl, Samantha... good girl." She said to herself, calming herself and wasn't even bothered with the sweat dripping off of her forehead..

She's used to this lifestyle. Everytime she feels bad, she would punish herself.

And getting punished makes her feel good.

Make her feel satisfied.

Make her feel a bit motivated, at some point.

But the longer she do it, the more she feel pleasure.

When she tried for the first time out of nowhere, she could feel pain and regret for hurting herself. But as time flies by, she liked it. Every pain of it.

Before she could drift of to unconsciousness, her phone suddenly vibrated, as the song Blame on Me by Nitti Gritti. It may be weird for a girl like her but she liked the type of vibe the song gives her.

She crawls as she gets her phone, accepting the call from her brother.

[Hey!!!]

"Hey."  She answers, trying to sound as energetic as possible, a bit occupied from pressing down on her wounds.

[You sound like you're tired or just woke up, still wearing your jeans.] He chuckled, knowing that he's just trying to cheer her up. [Back to seriousness, are you okay?]

She even felt a bit irritated by just hearing her brother's voice. Not because she's mad at him but because she's mad at herself, envious about her brother's continued success from his works.

"Yeah I'm fine... Why did you call?" She ask, placing down her phone on the side table, pressing the speaker on, and at the same time, fixing her wounded thighs. She silently endure the pain, still waiting for her brother to respond.

[Did I call in a wrong timing?]

"No no no! Not at all brother. I'm just... fixing my stuff but don't worry."

[Are you sure? You sound like you're occupied with something, mumbling something—]

"Am I?" She ask, making a gap of silence between them again. She soon sighs, not wanting her brother to end the call that early. Even if she is in that messy situation, she also wanted the presence of someone, even if it's just by phone.

"You called me because you wanted to say something that is why tell me right now because I won't sleep well if you keep me hanging here." She admitted. A soft chuckle escape from his brother's lips, making her smile as well.

[I heard about you going to BBU.]

"Yep... so...."

[Congratulations sis! You know, we could celebrate! That's a good school to start college and—]

"Mom and dad doesn't feel like celebrating. As expected."

[Well, maybe Oxford is not for you.]

"It is not. And if it is, then I won't be arguing with them."

[Just cheer up, okay?]

Cheer up!? How can I cheer up!? You're not in my situation! She wanted to tell him that but she's too fond to her bother. She loved and respected him soo much that she cannot tell her inner feelings for him.

She felt ashamed.

"I will."

[And if you need someone, don't hesitate to tell me okay?]

Yet here I am, not telling you a single thing.

"S-sure! I will..." she paused, wiping her tears off. She sniffs as her brother noticed.

[Are you crying?]

"W-what?N-no, of course not! I was just on my way earlier when the rain came. It caught me on the way home because I didn't bring me my umbrella." Lie

[How about the Umbrella I bought you?]

"I forgot because the weather seems fine when I left home. But don't you worry, just a common cold and I'll be over it by tomorrow." Another lie

[I'm worried but I'll trust you because I'm not there for you.... physically.]

"I can manage myself. Don't bother." Lies... All lies!

[I love you sis! Knock BBU down for me okay?]

"Yes, I will. I could burn it down if you want."

[Hey! That's not what I mean!]

"I'm just kidding. I know what you mean."

[Love you lil sis! Say my regards to mom and pops okay?]

"I will! Love you too big bro!"

She hangs up the call, sighing in relief that she managed to not make her brother worry, but guilty because of lying to him.

But what can she do? She cannot let her guard down.