Save Me In Time

"Did you ever ask what I actually wanted to do in life? Have you ever asked what I felt with this all? Have you ever felt too sensitive to see how I tried so hard to be oblique with my feelings? You don't know anything about it dad because you never cared enough!"

"Don't talk to your father that way!" Her mom defended, making her scoff. She didn't think of wiping her tears properly, using the back of her palm, not caring if there are tears all over her face. A forced smile forms on her lips, shifting her gaze to her mom.

"And then what, mom? I thought you're on my side but turns out your not."

"Sweetie—"

"What? Afraid to admit it to yourself that I've been this miserable because of your plans on making a 'SO PERFECT' daughter!? You don't know how hard it is for me to live this way! I've had enough!"

A heavy slap came landing on her left cheek. Hearing her mom gasp and her father release a long sight makes her heartache even more.

"How dare talks to me this way! I've been feeding you, giving you enough just to sustain your educational needs! All I wanted for you is a good life in the future so you don't have to end up the same I and your mom ended! Now you talk about having enough? You don't have the right to say that to us because we are doing our best to make you the best version of us!"

"By making me your robot? No. You don't want what's best for me. And you're not even making me the best version of you both because I'm getting worst than you two have done in your past life." She runs to her room as she didn't care about what they were saying. All she needed is to find a space where she could tell all to herself how a failure she was.

You're a failure.

You're never getting better.

Do you think you're enough?

"Enough!" She screams as she lies flat on her bed, burying her face into the pillow, trying to suffocate herself. But she knows she couldn't.

She had enough. She had no other choice left in her pocket. Not even her interests could even save her from drowning into the darkness she never wished to be made.

She's like swimming in a pool with no water in unending feet.

"F*CK!!!" She screams as she starts to dig into her stuff, finding something that could help her make everything so easy.

do not do this! This is not the solution!

But no matter how hard she tries reminding her, these same words will only take a cut into her heart, almost wanting to rip it off slowly, to make her feel pain.

do not do this! This is not the solution!

"No no no no no! There will never be a solution!" She screamed to herself as she starts to pull a strand of her hair, turning around, only seeing a blur vision and all the memories kept coming back that she had hoped it never happened and wished it was long far gone.

And now, it's all coming back.

"No!" She screamed once again, hearing the screaming pain inside her heart and mind. These voices never left her ever since she's nine.

"No, please! I just don't want to feel any more remorse!"

You were not good enough, and never you'll be enough!

Do you think you're smart? Think again!

Just f*cking kill yourself!

"Aaahhhh!" She screams once again, finally done searching for the item she's been looking for.

An item to end it all.

She started fixing all her stuff, getting everything in positions as tears never left her dried puffy red eyes. She didn't stop mourning for herself.

After doing that, she stares at what she prepares as she starts to feel slightly at ease. She then turns to only see her phone lying on the table.

"Okay, let's give the world another chance."

She started dialing every person on her contacts, hoping one would answer, enough for her to believe in second chance.

She admits that she's been always afraid of what's next after permanent sleep and she doesn't want to end it all in this way. But she can no longer endure every bit of pain that it has to offer. She didn't want to end it yet, but she has no other option to choose from.

[the number you are trying to reach is unattended. Please leave a message after a beep.]

She had multiple numbers on her cell, but all of them seems to be pretty busy at that moment.

What great timing. She thought to herself, giving up the chance she gave.

I guess this is the moment.

She takes a deep breath as she starts to approach the item but soon stops after seeing the light brown folded sheet in three, lying on her table. Besides, it was her notebook and her pen that she frequently had used for her subject. And at that moment, she decided to make something.

I know I cannot accept it myself.

I know it's been tough, and I hope I'm just like the rest.

They say we need to fight back until we can,

How much can I endure to sink defeat in?

It was never too easy to admit fear

It was never too easy to admit mistakes

It was never too easy to admit I just can't

It was never too easy to live in a world you never imagined.

If you manage to read this, I hope it'll be true

I hope you'll understand the pain I've been through

You're stronger than you think, be strong for us two,

Because I'm no longer living if you have this one with you.

Be strong for me okay?

She's not a poet but at that moment, she cared less bout the rhymes of the poem. In that short poem she had made, she felt like a thorn has been removed out of her heart, feeling the tranquility of breathing freely again.

That letter made her smell freedom that she had almost forgotten it ever existed. But, that won't stop from her plans anymore.

This time, she's a bit more determined than everyone else to save herself from more pain.

"I'm sorry if I have failed you." She mumbled as she starts to shed tears again. The pain swore to be with her all the time and she couldn't find a way to escape from it. The pain flies like it has been chained in her since forever.

And if this will happen, I hope I'll never feel of being chained again.

And in just like that, she could feel her heart application, oxygen rapidly decreasing, the body starts shivering with numbness, and her heart? The pain didn't even reduce by just one expected percent.

I'm sorry mom.

I'm sorry dad.

And just before everything could go to blank, the silence was then filled with something that she wasn't sure if it is already a calling or was it just her imagination that there is still hope.

Because she's had enough of waiting for that hope will every visit her in her own place she calls safe. She once called safe.