CHAPTER THREE- WHAT IS LOVE

JOANABE POV

I see my mom standing looking so worried afar, I run towards her to seek comfort. 

"MOM!" I scream calling my mom while running closer to her I feel so stupid. How can I forget about her?

"Joanabe! You got me so worried!" She said while spreading her hands for me to embrace. 

"Mom, I am so sorry. I let you down. How can I make daddy proud?" as I jump on her for an embrace. I cried in her arms.

*I AM SO PATHETIC*

"Joanabe, you do not have to be sorry, it has nothing to do with your dad." Mom pats my back to ease the pain inside of me.

*KANE? WAIT! I LEFT HIM!*

I let go of my mom and look directly at the place where I went with Kane, but compare to the shop, he is not there anymore, waiting for me. 

"Is there something wrong Joanabe?" Mom asked me, I shake my head maybe his parents are looking for him.

I feel terrible for forgetting his presence. How ungrateful of me to him considering all those kind gestures he gave to me. 

"Nothing Mom, I am fine. All is well," I know deep inside of me I feel so terrible. 

My mom nods and grabs my hand. We walked together out of the studio.

My mother hails a cab home. My mom seats on the front seat and I'm on the back seat.

I look on the window beside me passing lights, streets, faces and I am home-bound.

I blow air in the glass window of the cab. It created a fog and I write a letter K on it.

I feel please and smirked at myself. I can't seem to let him go out of my head.

I keep myself busy as I shake my self off to move my body. I noticed my pocket bulge from the handkerchief inside.

I pull it out of my pocket and takes a closer look at it.

Besides of the mint green color of the handkerchief, it has gold embroidery of letter K on the bottom left side.

I remember how he wipes those tears for me. I smile to myself thinking that this will remind me of Kane every day. I hold it tightly close to my chest. 

*POKE*

"Joanabe, we are home." 

I gasp, I did not notice the cab is already parked in front of our house's door, I look into my mother's eyes and smile warmly to her.

I get out of the cab and my mom opens the door for me.

"Are you feeling okay Joanabe?" My mom asked me while her face frowns straight at me.

Her eyes are busy looking at my face, I used this opportunity to put the handkerchief back to my pocket.

"No need to worry about me, What's with the frown?" 

"Nevermind. What do want for dinner?" My mom asked while rubbing her hand in her forehead before she could walk away from me, I grab her arm.

"Mom, don't stress out yourself and I want pasta for dinner." I tiptoe to kiss my mom's cheeks and walk to my room.

I drop my body to my bed. I am so tired.

I stare in my door while lying down. 

I wonder if one day dad will knock on the door and realize how much he hurt me. Does he feel sorry for those words he said against me?

I wonder if he truly treasures mom and the time they spent together? 

I look at my palm and remembers how Kane holds it tightly. Will dad hold my hands as he did?

Tears start to fall from my eyes. 

Will dad wipes these tears for me as Kane did?

No matter how much Mom tries to put me back as one, it always feels so incomplete. Maybe, my heart seeks for his comfort. I want to deny it but as days pass by it...

....

It always looks for my dad to put the piece back in my heart.

I get up from my bed. I look into the mirror right beside my door. 

"Look at yourself, no one will ever accept trash like you. You can never make your dad come back home." I cover my face in front of the mirror, crying and sobbing hard.

*SOBS*

I knelt on the floor as my knees are getting weaker from standing. I pull out the handkerchief from my pocket once more. I wipe my tears with it and I lowly chuckled. 

"Guess, you are right. I need it more than you do."

"JOANABE! DINNER IS READY"

Shoot! My eyes are too obvious.

"WAIT! I'm coming!" I said while hurridly fixing myself.

I folded the handkerchief and put it on my table.

I run to our dining area. My mom prepares the table and placed the pasta.

I pull the chair out for my mom to seat, she looks surprised then she takes a seat. 

My eyes scans in our table and noticed that there are three plates.

"Mom, do we have a visitor?" 

"I-It's for your dad." She shutters while saying it to me.

Mom is waiting for dad to come back more than I do. I know it's hard for dad to come back and see me walking freely in this house.

*SO SUCK TO BE TRASH*

"Joanabe, you are not touching your food." My mom points the pasta on my plate.

"Sorry, Mom." 

I grab my fork and started eating.

*SHOOT! DON'T CRY*

"Joanabe, you can cry if you want to and *sobs* if it makes you okay."

My eyes landed on my mom's face, crying while smiling at me.

"MOM! I AM SO SORRY. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO SEE ME LIKE THIS." I cried out loud while gripping the fork tightly.

Mom puts her hand on top of my right hand, slowly massaging it.

"Joanabe no matter what happens, I love you. So, Don't give up. Okay?"

I nodded and tears continue to fall.

"Mom, will dad say 'I love you' to me?" 

"Of course he will, Joanabe. I know he loves you the way I do." My mom's hand moves to face, her thumb finger wipes the tears in my cheeks.

*LIES*

"Mom, we should eat." I blurted out, I can't waste my mother's effort for cooking this food for me.

"Pfft! Of course!" My mom lets go of my face and started eating while her eyes never leave on me.

"Joanabe, one day. You will find someone who will love you and accepts you for what you are. A person who is willing to change for himself to be your match. I know you are still young and you won't understand but infatuation comes in your age."

"Mom, is dad your match?" I gasped. How could I say that to my mom, I feel ashamed. I look at my mom.

She isn't surprised at all. She looks down.

"Yes, I think he is, time is just testing us. I believe in him. I have faith in him. I pour everything to him. Of course! I...I..."

Mom could not finish talking there is something she can't manage to say in front of me.

"I think so too, Mom," I smiled.

*I LIE*

Mother smile weakly her face is still down. 

"You do not have to say that Joanabe. You do not have to lie in front of my face. I know what you are thinking, but believe me when I say your dad loves me and you."

Mom finally raises her head, catches my eyes that are wide open and I can see her burning sincerity. 

How dare I raise that question to my Mom. How I wish I had her bravery and courage. I really admire my Mom.

Her sincerity reminds me of Kane.

Do I like him?

Yes, he is kind and gentle like mom.

Am I infatuated to him?

I do, who would not?

Do I love him?

-but what is love?

We are in eating in silence and after that, my mom goes to the kitchen to wash the dishes I volunteer but she refuses to let me wash it for her. My never let me do the household chores.

Suddenly,

*KNOCK**KNOCK*

Someone is knocking on our door.