4 : Just Say No

•

"What?" Her glare should tell him her confusion just clouded her thoughts now. Veronica locked stares with him.

Kyle kept quiet while she waited for another answer — something that sounded more believable and sensible. But she got zilch.

She breathed out a sigh and did another mental count before she could say something way more sarcastic. "Are we actually talking about this?"

He didn't even blink or move one bit.

"Are you kidding? You think I'm gonna say yes, just like that?" she blurted out, incredulity loud and clear in her voice. She even cracked a joke, only to end up snickering at her dull attempt to sass her way out of the conversation. 

Perhaps to make her feel like crap,  Kyle kept his mouth shut as if he hadn't heard anything.

"What, you think I'll leave?" she questioned.  Why was he trying to argue? Was he that worried she would just leave the band and forfeit their musical career just to be with Théo?

"I know he's not movin' here to live the suburban life," Kyle retorted with his trademark smirk she almost always found annoying.

"You think I'll just leave all this?" Veronica sighed. He's gotta be at least half a joint high, she guessed. "You okay? Are you depressed or somethin'?"

Her walking mood of a bandmate kept up his frown and creased brows. "I know you're not just gonna say no."

"Oh? I won't?"  She eyed him, both hands on her hips. What the heck was his problem? He seldom sulked like this. Then she noticed his unusually droopy eyelids. "Smoked a joint or what?"

"What?" Kyle swore under his breath. "Why're you deflecting? Just tell me."

"Not deflecting." She scoffed.  "Just a bit concerned it's bothering you this much." She put on a small smile. Maybe she didn't look or sound so convincing, but she still forced a straight face. Talking to him about her relationship with her too-busy-to-be-around boyfriend was just the last thing on her mind.

"Why won't you just tell me?"

Her hands now clutched her hair. She balked to think and tried to come up with something rational to say. As she was about to open her mouth, Kyle just started shaking his head.

Oh great.  Now he was genuinely pissed.

"I dunno why you've been deliberately ignoring me. And it's not like I expected we would—  I dunno..." he broke off with another frown drawing small lines on his scruffy cheeks.  "I just... I expected you'd think about it at least."

"About what? I haven't been ignoring you," she muttered. Seeing him so bothered by it all kind of made her chest hurt.  Like it was all her fault he felt extremely anxious about their career and her near-future plans.

It only took her seconds to realize that she'd turned him down a couple times when he'd asked her out — for a drink or something else — just to keep this very conversation from materializing.

"Cut the act." Kyle scoffed.

Crap. Veronica used her hand to stifle another sigh and kept her lips pressed together.

Did he really dislike her ongoing relationship with her boyfriend?  Sure, Théo was almost four years her junior...but asking her to be in a serious relationship with him wasn't just a thoughtless whim on Théo's part. The guy wasn't that immature. 

"Sure you wanna have this discussion now? 'Cause I really don't." She stood still. Her feet now itched to dash to the door. Kyle didn't say anything, so she kept her cool and tried to seem impassive. "Get some sleep."

"Get real, Veronica." His weary brown eyes went on staring at the ruffled covers. Dark curved lines around his lids made his eyes look deep-set. "I've told you a few times, but you always take it as a joke."

She stopped her mouth from dropping open, but she couldn't hold in a specious retort. "Because I actually thought it was a joke."

His forehead furrowed. Kyle gaped at her as if she just told him she was actually an extraterrestrial being masquerading as a woman in her late twenties who sings in a band.

"I know you still care about her a lot, and I know you're okay with him so I practically...just pushed the thought aside."

"Sure." Kyle shrugged weakly.

"Honestly, I don't wanna break up with him just to...I dunno— test fate or..."  Veronica expected for him to react a bit less in a negative manner, but all he did was make another disgruntled noise. "It's gotten serious.  He's quite stubborn, but he's not immature."

"Not serious enough to tell him everything," Kyle muttered curtly.

"Can we just drop it?"

"Why?"

Good grief. He was really in the mood.  "Look, everything's goin' great. We'll finish the record, we'll go tour again, and...if he wants to get serious, it doesn't have to change this—" She held his wrist to make him look her in the eye. She just wanted Kyle to listen and quit being so unusually argumentative.

Now it seemed he didn't even want to look at her, and he sure wasn't busy examining the plain white walls, either. Clearly, he was just trying to look like he no longer cared.

Typical Kyle.

They'd never argued about their personal relationship. At least from what she could remember, they hadn't.

"When'd you last talk to her?" In a split second, she already had her arms around him. It helped that he just let her do it.

His grimace deepened. He lightly pushed her away. Then Kyle leaned against the wall facing the hotel bed, looking more ill at ease.

Awkwardness filled the room for a while. All she did was watch him as he continued to clam up. She glimpsed the wall clock above the TV. It would be dawn in a few hours, and her back was killing her. "She called it off?"

"We broke up months ago," Kyle grumbled, disgruntled that they were talking about Harriet again, his ex-girlfriend.

"I told you to talk to her. It's not like she went to live in the mountains. It's just Canada."

"Yeah, and what if I don't care anymore?"

"What?"

"You really thought I'd forget what we talked about?" His warm hand tried to push her arm away, the one loosely draped around his waist.

Sighing out loud, Veronica let her head drop. But she opted to stay calm and empathizing. "Give it a rest; it's late. You're exhausted." When she held his arm, she realized he'd lost weight. She was about to push him towards the bed when he pulled her in instead.

"I don't want you getting serious with him." As if admitting defeat, Kyle massaged his forehead with both palms. "I don't care what he thinks is best for you. Just think about this first before making any huge decisions." He paused and pulled her closer, clasping both of her arms. "I can't keep doing this without you."

"You're being overdramatic." She scoffed and shook her head faintly. Okay. So he really thought she wanted to quit the band for Théo.

"You're not ready and he's clearly far from it. It's a little too soon and casual, don't you think?"

"Kyle, he's not stupid," she shot back, wriggling her arms free from his grip. "He's thought about it. The guy's got a steady paycheck and he's doing pretty well himself."  She matched his steady gaze, unable to just shrug the whole thing off and laugh. "Maybe he just wants some—  I dunno...formal commitment."

Kyle snorted at her reply. His hands rested on his hips after he avoided her eyes.

"I don't know why he's been so worked up about it, but..." Veronica sighed and flumped on the bed. His bed. She glanced askance at him. Had he guessed what her frazzled mind had been pondering since Jamie broke the news?

They'd never dated or tried. She figured Kyle didn't think much of it because it would affect their weirdly comfortable bond.

From the onset, she dismissed the thought of having any personal involvement with him aside from them being good friends and bandmates, since he'd once told her he didn't want things between them to change. It had been the case for years.

Maybe she didn't want those things to change, too. She supposed she was still that hung up on Théo, but she couldn't decide for herself if she was in love with him enough to take what they had to the next level.

Of course they wouldn't get married this year or anytime soon, but...  Her head wasn't quite fixed yet on being with him for the next years of her life.

In all likelihood, Théo dated her because he was just getting tired of dating girls he got to meet and work with on the job. Maybe he now wanted something else for a change...something permanent and lifelike. His extroversive and ever so challenge-hugging personality could attest to that.

But then again, Théo was still in his 20s... 

Everybody gets a little messed up in their twenties.

On the other hand, Kyle had been a friend she could always count on these past couple of years. He helped her become a serious and successful musician. Without him, she probably wouldn't be where she was right now. Her career mattered the most to her at this point in her life, and she kind of owed everything to him. 

She looked up at Kyle,  basically her first and closest guy friend, and let their eyes talk. "We're still doin' this. Everything's set: the transfer, the tour's coming up—"

Kyle raised his dark brows and smirked. He stood by the foot of the bed. "Sure about that?"

"What do you mean?"

He scowled and shrugged again. "For one, you never say no to him."

She held his pale calloused hand. Some part of her felt relieved when he didn't resist, but Kyle gave her another curious look. "Actually, I don't know what to say to him," she mumbled.

"He can't wait a few years? You haven't been together long enough to jump into something like that," he argued. "I'm sure he'd understand if you'll say no. For now, at least."

Trying to look deadpan was impossible. Veronica grinned at his answer, or else she'd laugh and he might just get offended then. "Flattered that you're acting like the jealous ex, really..."

"I doubt you've spent enough time to really discuss it. Marriage. Moving in. Kids."

"I'm just gonna set it all straight: I tried not to, but...it happened. I can't even think about it without—" She tutted. "I'm in some deep shit. With this guy. Sometimes, I honestly think it could work out."

"Get real, Via. You're not set for something like that right now. Neither is he." Kyle backed away and paced around the bed.  "Just don't want you to end up getting hurt. That's all."  He left the lamplight on, then told her to go back to her room. 

They'd had a rough long day in the studio. Earlier this morning, they even argued a little while at work. Or maybe it was just because he was feeling unimportant and rejected these past weeks. The breakup with Harriet was the main reason, she supposed.

"So we're done with this?" she droned on while she sat on the edge of the bed. Veronica budged to face him. Kyle was resting on his back now.

The next thing she pondered was their first kiss. It was a silly late-night dare at some Halloween party a few years ago. There was also that one time when they got too stressed out from touring and working nonstop, both too drunk to even think about it. Just two old friends having a good time and all. "A goodnight smooch sound good?"

Kyle shot her a blasé look after her question. Still, he grinned when she cracked up.

"Just might help you sleep better."

"I doubt that," Kyle muttered, eyes shut close again. The nightstand lamp faintly lit half of his face as he snuggled to his pillow.

Sitting next to him now, she punched him on the arm and chuckled when he simpered. For a quiet moment, she just found herself staring at him while he pretended to drift off.

The dim light was hitting his face in all the right directions. His week-old beard didn't distract her from peeking at his lips. She'd forgotten how much she liked staring at his eyelashes. They were long and thick.

Some would say he didn't match her boyfriend's good looks. But she'd always found her longtime friend handsome, and Kyle knew she had this girly crush on him that night they first met.

He'd said one time that it didn't mean anything to him, because they were more focused on making music together. But when he once said he "could never match up to her boyfriend's supermodel looks", she started to think they now had some unresolved issue. She and Théo were already pretty steady that time.

That was the first time she surmised her bandmate actually had more than friendly feelings for her. Kyle was blind drunk that night, but she knew what it really meant since self-disparagement wasn't one of his usual pastimes.

"Go back to your room," Kyle mumbled before turning to the side, his phone in his hand.

Holding back a smile, Veronica draped the wrinkled covers on him. She could sniff out his cologne that had a crisp smell and a tinge of an outdoors-y scent.  What if she slept in his room tonight? Would it make him feel less depressed and lonely?

They'd slept next to each other a dozen times before: in the backseats of their band van and trailer...in cold, backache-inducing airport benches (touring wasn't always fun)...in numerous (and often cheap) hotel beds...in cramped camping tents whenever they'd go hiking with friends...and so on.

But now that some things had changed, there was an infinitesimal part of her that wanted to make sure it still felt the same. Comfortable. No pressure. Just chilling out.

Curious and confused, she combed some tangled locks of her hair away from her cheeks, the thin clumps feeling slick between her fingers. "Kyle Declan Thompson," she murmured. "Goodnight kiss. Stat."

"Go to bed," Kyle sighed, ignoring her attempt at humor.

She watchfully leaned over him, ignoring his indifferent tone. The room stayed quiet and motionless until Kyle suddenly sat up. The next second, they were eye-to-eye, and she pulled away a little as the bed tilted slightly. "We good now?"

"Why're you pulling away?"

Darn. He kept up his poker face, and it was unnerving to some degree. She wasn't used to seeing him this gloomy. Grim. Dejected.  It just left a bad feeling in her gut. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

Ugh. She almost rolled her eyes. Instead of answering, she just leaned in to give him a hug. A long overdue goodnight hug. "Here if you wanna talk. But let's can it for now."

•