I Used To Have Deep Love For You

\"Come on. Open your legs. Just relax, okay? I\'m going in.\"

Those words didn’t come from my new husband, but a male gynecologist.

I had an ovulation injection ten days ago. Two days after my wedding, I was lying on a cold operating table, legs spread apart, exposing my most private body part to a complete stranger.

I felt fear and shame even though the doctor, nurses and staff were all very nice and encouraging.

\"I’ll try,\" I said reluctantly.

I was so scared that my body wouldn\'t stop shaking.

As he inserted the vaginal expander, it sent a shockwave of pain and I twitched. The doctor exclaimed in surprise. This gesture caught me off-guard and I got scared.

\"This is really difficult to perform on someone with an intact hymen,” the doctor said. The doctor told me to rest for a bit and spoke to another doctor. “Hey, can I have a look at the notes on this one?”

I felt so embarrassed that my eyes threatened to burst in tears.

In our culture, family ties are very important, and a husband has the final say in certain things. This is one of those things. If I refuse to do it this way, we won’t be able to have a child. It will be an understatement to say that both sets of parents--his and mine--will all be upset. They won’t simply be upset, they will all freak out.

Virginity is something some older people hold sacred. In this day and age, it isn’t a deal breaker for some marriages if the girl had had relations before the marriage, but in traditional families like mine, it is seen as very important. Some girls even undergo hymen repair surgery to keep themselves from getting in trouble. To some, it’s unacceptable for a bride to not have an intact hymen.

Marcus Mo, my husband, didn’t even care to see for himself that I was a virgin. Perhaps this is because he knows even a hymen can be repaired. He wanted a surgeon to check me out. He also wants to have a child by me, but he wouldn’t do it the normal way.

So he took me here to have my eggs harvested and to have me checked at the same time. He wanted to hit two birds with one stone, I guess.

I followed the doctor with my eyes as he stepped out of the room and left the door half-opened. I watched him through the gap.

My husband sat outside, seemingly lost in his thoughts.

The doctor approached him. \"Hi, excuse me,” he said. “Sir, your wife is very much intact. There aren’t any signs of any previous surgical procedures on her. Do you really want to proceed with harvesting her eggs?” Clearly, the doctor was on my side though he had no idea how many times I’ve talked to Marcus about this.

We just got married and we were both healthy enough to make a baby. I really could not understand why we have to do it this way. I have nothing against people who want to have test tube babies, but in my case, I had no reason to do it this way. I argued and did my best to convince him.

Marcus was firm in his decision.

\"No. That’s never going to happen. You know how much you disgust me? Just the thought of touching you makes me sick. Yet, you want me to make love with you?\"

Maybe Marcus never really liked me, I thought. I was being forced to undergo this procedure, and I agreed to keep the peace as well as to produce a child. He must have felt the same when he agreed to marry me, he did it though he didn’t want to.

From the door, I heard Marcus speaking to the doctor in a cold tone. \"Doctor, you may proceed with the operation. There’s nothing to worry about.”

The doctor walked in and looked at me. I could tell that he wasn’t happy about my husband’s decision.

\"You need to hold still,\" he said to me.