第四章

Chapter 50 - Valentine

I don't know what to do. Dominic just said it, he doesn't love me and that everything was planned from the very start. I rushed going down the stage not knowing where to go and how to get out of here but as soon as I reached the dance floor filled with a lot of speechless people, they all paved a narrow space for me in the middle. It's like when Moises parted the sea with his wooden staff. I'm already humiliated to the stars, and the agony is already owning the throne inside me, so there's no point in trying to have pride or even dignity. Everything is pointless now.

I didn't know where else to go. I just kept walking aimlessly until my feet took me to my car. The night is still young; I might as well get drunk as fuck. I didn't care if I was wet or not. I bought a case of beer and drove to the nearest beach expecting to find peace for now. I don't want to deal with the pain and anger tonight but even with the peaceful breeze of the night and the loud natural crashing of the waves can't even help me mask the pain. This beer can't even get me drunk enough to forget all of the emotions that are crashing me to the core.

The next few weeks have been the hardest for me. My name is basically headlining every morning gossip, but I'm just too hurt to care. I still continued going to school, and yeah, we lost the football cup because of me pretty much being out of my headspace all throughout the game. Aldrin and Jack were very much supportive of me; they keep on defending me from the people who kept on saying horrible things about me even when I'm not really that worthy defending for, they even tried their best to make me smile and laugh almost making themselves look foolish. I resorted to alcohol to keep me sane, but in the end, I ended up really doing it.

I stared blankly at the bathtub as the water began to overflow tardily cascading down to the bloodied floor. Suddenly I got jealous of the water. It keeps flowing and flowing, just flowing incessantly. It takes over different shapes. I wish I was like that, but I wasn't.

I closed my eyes for one long moment in high hopes of looking back into the windows of his love. I don't feel shit. Actually, I feel one shit. Pain? Agony? Anguish? Hurt? Jesus Christ, how many fucking synonyms of this excruciating feeling exist in the fucking dictionary. Different spelling, same fucking feeling.

I imagined that that one slash I did on my wrist would put the period to this hellish horror of a life that I have, but I guess the fuck not. Just like kicking that wooden stool, I used in order to get my head reach the rope, or pulling that trigger and realizing it doesn't have any ammunition, and even those pills can't doze me enough to put me to sleep. I lifted one of my legs and dipped it into the water. Damn, it was cold. I wished it was hot but taking yourself out doesn't have to be that demanding. I finally carried my weight and dipped my body into the water. I sat relatively moving. I want to cry, but I think there is already an extreme case of drought on my body that it can't even produce tears anymore. I hugged my legs and observed as the blood from my wrist become one with the water.

I was in love, or I guess, I'm still in love. All this time, the person I'd want to take a bullet for is just standing behind the trigger. He's been long holding the trigger since day one, and yet, my heart still belongs to him.

I've looked into the void of heaven or hell or whichever place the Grimm reaper would take me. I'm most definitely going straight to hell, but no one's giving a shit about that. I just want to be gone. For Good. Real shit good. I laid on my back and started forcing my head under the water. I closed my eyes to a series of flashbacks. The first time he kissed me was the threshold of the moment that I became confused about how I truly feel. He tasted like life in a land flowing with milk and honey or in my world, a land filled with strawberries and cigarettes. The flashback goes on and on and on like a series of flipping photos, and as soon as it ended, I opened my eyes to see my dad in tears and then there came flashes of light as I was already gone.

I thought I was gone for real, but I woke up to a quiet room and a sleeping father beside me. Filaments of the bleeding sunset cut right through the curtain. My eyes circled around to see lots of flowers and fruits.

"Daaaa-" I can barely speak. It's not because I'm too weak to speak, but it was because of regret.

I regretted taking my own life. My dad was wearing his favorite polo, and it was soaked with dried blood. My blood.

"Daaaad" I mustered enough strength to speak loud enough for my father to hear as he slowly opened his bloodshot eyes. His hair was dry and frizzy literally like how shampoo commercial show it.

"You're a.........you're awake" His voice was hoarse, but it translated pretty clear enough for me to realize how much worried he was about me. I can't bear to see him completely fucked up like this. “How do you feel? Do you need something, son?" The man stood up and readied himself for whatever I may need. He went to switch the lights on which surprised my vision. It took seconds for my eyes to adjust from the blinding lights before I shook my head in response.

"Yhannie was just here an hour ago, she's really worried about you. She Uhm, brought these fruits and your favorite kind of pizza" Dad was pretty much exhausted from the workload he has at work and now he's still getting himself busy for me. I can tell by the tone of his voice, but he was super happy and grateful nonetheless. "Uhm let's see, apples, grapes, bananas" He was looking for something in the basket. "Ah peaches, I know you like them do you...."

"Dad" I cut him off. "Can you..." My lips were trembling from the nervousness that is starting to take over my body. A seed of tear began to cascade from my eye. "Give me a hug" I finally let out.

"H-hug? Sure son"

Dad was quick on his feet and hugged me. The man smelled really bad, but I hugged him back as the stream of tears began flowing from my eyes. I needed this hug. At least I felt a bit better as dad rubbed my back. I just burst into a quiet tear.

"It's okay son, I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere until you're okay and I'm going to tell you that everything will be okay," Dad said reassuring me that everything will be okay, maybe not now, perhaps not tomorrow, maybe not in the next few weeks, but probably when the time is right.

"I'm so sorry dad" I sobbed as he unclasps away from the hug.

"You're a man now Valentine and men cry too" He continued. "Tears do not mean weakness, but it means strength."

"Yeah dad, I'm a man now and apparently, I am gay too" I trailed bluntly coming out to him now before it's too late. There's nothing holding me back anymore. I've lost what I've lost. I'm not sure where or how and even when to start all over again but I will.

"I know son" He smiled at me, and man, it was the best smile I've seen on him after long years. I can say that I'm proud to be the reason for that smile, but what I'm not proud at is being the reason for those dried tears on his cheeks.

"Thank you, pops" I muttered.

"And a man can be gay too," Dad said, giving me a soft fist bump on my chest.

I learned that I was out for three days, and ever since dad had found me unconscious and drowning from that bathtub, he never left which perfectly explains the shitty smell and unchanged clothes dried with blood. Vincent arrived all exhausted and shocked that night and forced dad to go home and get cleaned up. Vincent was mad that dad did not call him the day I was rushed here, but I defended him saying that he's too worried about me and shocked that he didn't even thought of calling him when he's busy about his studies.

"So why'd you do it?" My brother asked the moment dad left the room to go home and get cleaned up.

"I don't know" I replied almost inaudible. I know he'll be freaking mad at me. He doesn't know the details yet except for the fact that I told him Dominic broke my heart. I decided to just provide him with the tip of the iceberg instead of spilling all the truth. He's very protective of me, and I don't want anything bad to happen to anyone. "Love is really fucked up, right?" I muttered making my voice even louder this time.

"That's not true. If it's pretty fucked up then it's not true love" Vincent replied.

"You're only telling me that because you have a man who truly loves you," I said probably jealous of the fact that Keiran truly loves him that much.

"That's pretty much what I've said"

My brother didn't go easy on me for the rest of the night, which to me is a big surprise. He was always soft on me knowing how fragile I was from the yesteryears, but now it seemed totally different, he was fucking angry not with his tone but with his choices of words. He was super mad that I did not tell him what happened. He was furious that he goes home every weekend and I'm not telling him anything. He was pretty mad that I'm pretty much acting happy and okay around them when deep inside I'm a shattered glass. I stayed at the hospital for three more days just to recover all of my strength. Jack and Aldrin visited me every day providing me with the friendship support that I needed and of course, some stuff from school. Yhannie and Dominic also visited, but I begged dad and Vincent to not let them in. Ivana also visited, which kind of surprised me because I don't know her really that much. She was just a pretty girl that I know. Great smile, sexy body and funny personality. She told me about the whole plan revealing almost everything to me, which really hurt me a lot again and made a lot of sense. We were about to get the hell out of this hospital when Keiran arrived.

I graduated high school and opted not to attend both the prom and the graduation ceremony. I decided not to. I know this is for the best. I had to call the principal for that, and he actually understood all that I've been through. Dominic graduated as the class Valedictorian, props to him, he doesn't seem to be hurt or even affected at the slightest that he bagged a lot of awards. For me, he won best in deceiving people award. God, I just wanted to throw hate on him but I just can't. I still love him.