The Love I Have Hoped For

"My day went well. I have met my colleagues in a cafe to talk about our new project, but most of the talks were not actually about the project but about unrelated things. I wanted to protest and ask them to focus on our work, but I kept quiet of course. They even asked me to join them to go to a club after the meeting which I'm sure they didn't mean to. I know everyone thinks of me as a boring girl who doesn't know how to have fun.

I wanted to say I would love to join them and see the surprised looks on their faces but of course again, I didn't.

It is a boring day and I hope I can finally meet someone whom I can share my thoughts everyday with.”

That's my diary entry for the day. As a 30-year old lady, I still write a diary. I know what you are thinking, old-school eh? But that's me.

My name is Jessica Myers, I work in an advertising company. I am basically nobody. I grew up being bullied by other kids. They laughed at how I look, how I speak. They laughed about everything related to me. But I don't know why I never felt mad at them, I found what they said about me funny as well, so it is okay. And I like them. At least I never felt alone whenever they talked about me.

I remember one time when I was in high school. Three of my male classmates sat around me in our classroom and talked about how I would die and how my coffin would look like. They said I would die in luxury because my coffin will be air-conditioned with a kitchen and a master's bedroom. I don't know how that would happen but anyway, I just listened to their stories and how happy they were imagining the things I would do ground under.

I grew up without so many friends. I prefer being alone. I enjoy the solitude. And so that's what I thought.

I realized at this age of mine, being alone is sometimes not good. Living alone in an apartment makes a person like me lonely sometimes. I am not complaining though. It is partly my choice.

My life, I am sure, is better than other people who always worry about money, but there is still something missing. You know the feeling of going home and finding no one to talk to, no one is happy to welcome you or eat with you. Is it a sign that I am really old? I hope not. I guess that is the reason why I still make diary entries despite my age.

Time for bed.

Another battle tomorrow.

Another boring day.

Another sad day.

…

Friday night.

Everyone seems excited about what they will do tonight and this weekend. Some people are thinking about having a picnic with their family or just staying at home. Others are thinking about spending time with their partners. And there are also others, like me, who plan to stay at home.

I am thinking on what Korean drama will be good for this weekend and whether I will buy beer or wine.

"What will you do tonight?" A voice made me go back to reality. It is my friend Annie. Actually, she is the only friend I have here. She is pretty and very kind to me so I like her a lot.

"I don't have any plans. Maybe, stay home and watch movies," I replied.

"You should go out with me and Mike. He has three tickets for this gig in a bar. It is our favorite acoustic band. Join us," she said smiling. Mike is her long-time boyfriend. I have met him a couple of times.

"I am not sure whether you will be happy that I would be there. I am afraid I will ruin the mood,"

"You always refuse my invite. I'm starting to think you don't really like going out with me," Annie said. She is throwing her wild card, the making-you-feel-guilty card which I always fall for.

"I don't want to be the third wheel between you two. I think that will be awkward." Despite meeting them on some occasions, I have never gone out with them yet and I don't have any plans going out with them.

"If you don't join tonight, I will never talk to you again," she said frowning but I think she already knew that she won.

"Okay! I will go with you, but I won't stay there for long. Maybe an hour will do. Happy?" I answered.

"Good! See you tonight, then." she stated looking very happy.

I am sure it will be a long night. I don't like bars, drinking with other people and especially being with those I’m not familiar with. "It won't be very long. Just an hour." I tried to convince myself. I hope an urgent thing will happen or they will forget about it.

Unluckily, nothing happened that day and I had to go with them in the bar.

We were picked up by Mike from our workplace and we traveled for about an hour to the bar. The commute was a bit awkward. The two people sitting in front were very sweet to each other, exchanging glances from time to time while giggling, talking about how their day went. I was at the backseat, like I wasn't even existing. I can't help but to be envious to Annie. She is such a lucky woman with a very cute boyfriend, something that I wish I also have. I smiled the whole time, looking like an idiot, and at times I had to pretend I was sleeping.

The bar has blue and red dim lights. Cigar smoke is everywhere, a place where I can never get used to. Don't get me wrong, I have been to a bar a couple of times. I have also experienced hanging out in clubs but I will never get used to such a place. I guess this place is not for me. But of course, since I am with friends, I have to pretend that I like it. The place is quite crowded. The seats were almost all taken. We were ushered by a waiter to our table and luckily, it is located at the corner near the restroom. A few minutes later, three guys approached our table. They are Mike's colleagues and he asked them to join us in the table. Though I don't feel comfortable with it, I can't say no.

I was introduced to the three additional members in our table. They are Ben, Jason and Jeff. After a brief handshake, they were nice enough to ask me some questions about myself. I stuttered every time I answered and I guess they could sense I was uncomfortable so they changed the subject.

We ordered beer and chips and since I and Annie didn't have dinner yet, we ordered sandwiches. I was smiling the whole time and was listening to their conversation. I enjoy listening to their stories and as long as they don't ask me questions, I know I will be fine.

The band started to play songs and the place is a bit noisy that it is difficult to talk without shouting which for me is better since I don't need to talk to anyone.

After eating sandwiches, everyone was asked to drink beer. At first I tried to decline but Annie insisted and used her trick again so as expected, I couldn't resist. I am not used to drinking alcohol so I am scared that I might get drunk easily. After my first bottle, I am surprised to see that I am okay.

I didn't realized that our table is now crammed because their are three women who joined us. And everyone has now a partner, except me, of course but it is perfectly fine because they all seemed to be busy.

My eyes were fixed to the drummer. He seems happy playing the drums and the longer I look at him, the more I noticed how cute he is. He has expressive eyes, his lips are pinkish, he has broad shoulders and his hair looks very neat which is not common for a band member I think. He looks handsome and sexy. I didn't realize that I was just staring at him the whole time and he is also looking at me.

Yay! He is also looking at me. Am I too obvious?? What should I do?? How can I escape this situation?

I pretended I wasn't looking at him and just looked at Annie then started talking to her.

The first set was done and they stopped playing. The band members went around to say hi to the audience and thanked them for coming. I became more nervous when I saw the drummer coming towards our table with a fixed smile on his face. When he arrived at our table, he said hi and gave a handshake to everyone on the table. When it is his time to exchange handshake with me, he said,

"Hi, my name is Lance Mendez. What's yours?"