The Death of Me

Cara's POV

His eyes suddenly flicked toward me and I stopped dead in my tracks.

My inside started shaking, my hands started trembling at the side. I curled them into a fist to stop myself from breaking. It is not the time.

My eyes pricked with tears--tears I’ve kept inside for the past two years.

His brown eyes bored into mine, he looked shocked- no, no, not just shocked, he looked bewildered, horrified, afraid, pained, he looked so weak, so broken.

You broke him.

I couldn't silence the voice in my head this time; I couldn't lie to myself anymore. It is the truth.

I broke him.

He stood still in his place, few meters separating us, yet the distance in his eyes can't be measured, the distance these two past years left. He didn't move, he didn't even blink.

I bowed my head and looked down unable to meet his eyes anymore. It has been long, really long since I last felt this rush of feelings, since I felt this organ in my chest beating.

I have been numb, for the last two years, I closed my heart and my mind , I closed everything, because keeping them opened would've drove me insane.

I looked up. How much I missed him; I wondered.

He blinked. I swallowed past the lump in my throat.

He blinked again. I licked my dry lips nervously waiting for his reaction.

"No-" He whispered. He let a humorless pained chuckle. He shook his head. "No-" He said again.

He rubbed his eyes, then looked back at me as if to make sure it is not a dream.

I am here. I wanted to say but couldn't, my voice failed me.

"You-" He started; you can easily detect the shakiness in his voice.

"No ! This is not real." He said, his tone so different, different from the way it was before. "Not again, not this dream again ! " He snapped angrily and shook his head.

"Go away !" He snapped; my heart cracked a bit. I tried to find my voice, "Alex-", it came so low, a mere whisper. How much I missed just the sound of his name.

His eyes widened a bit when he heard my voice, he shook his head again, he is not believing this, "Ale-" I started again as I took a step forward, "DON'T !" He interrupted me and took a step backward. "You're not real." He muttered lowly; it was more to himself than to me.

He closed his eyes and looked down, he pressed his palms against his ears, "Wake up, wake up!" He said clenching his jaw, "It's just another dream, a f*cking dream."

My heart stuttered, the first tear fell, and another one fell after it. I want to scream, I want to go back there, why did I come? Why did I have to come back and ruin everything?

The proper question would've been, why did you leave in the first place?

I had to. To protect him.

To protect my husband.

No- sorry,

-my ex-husband.

I was afraid of this --to see him again, I was afraid to see the result of my actions, and I had the total right to be afraid.

My chest tightened more; I forgot how to breathe as my eyes connected with his wrist.

I gasped; I covered my mouth with my hand to not let my emotions escape. But the tears alone betrayed me.

Oh my god, No.

What did I do to you?

What did I do to you Alex?

Maybe he didn't kill you, but for sure I did-

-I killed you.

You won't forgive me. Why would you?

I should've thought about this before taking my decision, before leaving, before destroying both of our lives. And our daughter's life in the process.

It is true, you were right before, i am the death of you-- this time i am.