Chapter 4: For keeps

My feet brought me to the second floor. I decided to sleep inside my mom's room. I can still smell her scent everywhere. I don't want to touch her things and everything she owns in the basement. I want to feel her as if she's just sleeping beside me. I know I can be comforted by the warmth of her bed if I will do it. Laying down here feels like she is still hugging me even if her physical presence is gone already.

I slowly got up and walk towards the window like I used to do when mom is still around. We used to appreciate the leaves slowly falling off the trees around the house. We even laughed at the sight of squirrels chasing each other for wallnuts that's scattered around the vicinity. All those simple things we're both happy about. It is a painful to know that my life will never be the same again without her.

My knees started to lose its strength that I can't help but to lean on the window pane. Instead of bringing back good, old memories, all I am getting are painful heartbreaks that tormented me little by little.

What am I going to do now? At present, I am doubting my capability to continue to live. Yes, I have relatives but they are living a few miles away and I have to drive at least thirty minutes just to see them. I don't think I can do that. My feet are too tired. All of me. All I want is to be alone this time.

I admire people who can be independent. In fact, I envy them. I guess my mom is really good that she made me feel so loved I can't easily accept that she's gone. I regret telling myself that I should be independent. That I should live my own, simple life as a student.

I wished I didn't allow her to do everything for me to the point that I become so dependent of her. She made me realize that the love of a parent can make any life easier. She wanted to make me feel that I am deeply loved. I guess this is just her simple wat of convincing me from totally hating my father. But in our case, she wasn't able to prevent me from doing so.

Seeing the man beating my mom daily is a trauma I will always bring with me until forever. I can't bear it. I grew up knowing my dad is a dangerous man that I should distance myself from him. For me, he's not even capable to love somebody because of what he is doing to her since then.

Silence broke as my phone rang. When I take a look at my screen, I saw that my best friend is calling me. I almost forgot to call her after I get home.

"Where are you?" As soon as I answer my phone, a worried voice greeted me. I smiled a bit. I really love this girl. She's really sweet. I almost forgot those people who still cared about me after the death of my mom.

"Home." I dryly replied. 

"Everything's going to be alright." She finally said. I became teary eyed from what my best friend had said. I never knew that I'd be needing words of assurance at this point in time. 

"Thank you for understanding me," I replied, letting her hear a sound of relief somehow, coming from me. She's one of those people who saw my breaking point that I almost kill myself because I can't accept the one who loved me so much left me in an instant.

"Oh, goodness. I thought you're going somewhere. Expect me there in twenty minutes. What do you want for dinner?" Oh, my she's really like my mom. I admit I am touched by her sincerity. 

There's a long pause.

"Anything. I am not in the mood to eat."

"Are you sure? If you will ask me, I will give you the food I prefer eating."

"Just bring whatever you like." I told her, not really thinking about anything, even choosing the food I want. I can feel that I am losing my appetite. "I'll wait for you." I said in a low voice. I admit, she's somehow making me feel better.

"Pizza won this time, Becca." She chuckled in the line. 

"Thanks, Sheira." I ended that call and drowse myself to sleep. This room is at least, comforting every pain that I feel.

--

Rebecca's POV

I woke up to the sound of the doorbell. I slowly got up and went downstairs. Even my every step is getting heavier as I walk towards the door.

"Hey!" Sheira said smiling sweetly in front of me. She's looking more of a hippie,wearing ragged jeans and a cropped top black shirt. Her pierced belly button is exposed but I find it really cool and sexy.

"You look awesome!" I said, sincerely complimenting her fashion sense.

"Sorry but I don't think you look good. You need to take a bath at least."

"I will, Sheir."

"Look!" She said grinning as she proudly presented the pizza she ordered.

"Yeah, I saw it as soon as you entered that door. Thank you." She's able to walk past me as if she owns my house. I guess the level of comfort that we have is unquestionable because we've been bestfriends since then.

"Here are our notes for studying. Please do not miss them."

"Oh yeah, that," I said, looking at her directly into her eyes. Sheira smiled back at me, a reassuring one.

I noticed it's been a week that I choose to mess with my life. 

Seven weeks ago, I thought I can't gather myself with the instant random, shitty things that happened in my life. Yes, I mourn but more of developing hate I can't able to control it during the first three days. I am thankful for those people who showed compassion when I can't even show it to myself.

"Becca?" My friend gave me a "listen-to-me-I-am-talking-right-in-front-of-you" look. I honestly didn't know what she's trying to tell me. I can hear my own thoughts rather than what she wanted to share with me.

"What is it?" I said innocently I noticed she rolled her eyes. She seemed a bit annoyed and I can't help but giggle a little. She smiled back at me.

"You know what? It's the first time I see you smile after seven days."

She tapped my head with her palm.

Glad you're finally showing that." She added as she pinched my cheek and forced my lips to widen. I moved my eyebrows in agreement.

"I think there's really no point of continuing being like this."

"I think wherever your mom is right now, she will be happy to see you living your life the way you had it before."

I heaved a long sigh as I look at her.

"I guess if mom's here, she'll definitely hate me for being miserable. I would want to move on rather than stay inside this house. "

"Finally! That's what I want to hear from you." Sheira excitedly hugged me tight as I hugged her back. We're on our twenties but we consider ourselves childish when it comes to feelings. We never deny if anybody from us is hurt or is needing comfort.

"What's your next plan? The exam's coming."

"I'll go over with these notes."

"Are you sure you'll be alright?"

"Yes. Mom has been reminding me of any exams I should ace even before the accident."

"Your mom is really a good one. If moms will be the same around the world, it'll surely be a better place to live."

"Sheir, you know what? All moms offer the same love. They just show it in many, unique ways."

"Yep. I can't agree more." Sheira answered as she agreed right away.

"If only mom is still here. She'll be proud of me for being number one again." I said, almost forcing a smile even if my heart is aching a little. I feel wounded and the pain is reverberating every time I will tell something about my her.

"I am always confident that wherever she is at the moment, she's looking over you, cheering you there somewhere. She's giving you a lot of encouragement that you will perfect the test. I know you can do it, dear." I offered her a high five as a response. She was able to respond by giving it to me with a wink.

"Yeah, she's been proud of me. I should do my part, too, you know."

"Yes. Make your momma proud, even in heaven."

"But...we need to hang out first." That made her eyes looked bigger and her face, getting excited about my sudden, impulsive plan.

"Wait, am I hearing it wrong?"

"Not at all, sweetie!" I said, grinning at Sheira. I can see that she's still trying to process what I said to her.

"I am loving the sound of it!" She screamed in excitement. We both jumped in bed like crazy.