ARE YOU BORED YET

KIERAN

I should’ve told him.

There’s a particular type of heartbreak that comes along when your crush tries to set you up. It’s that innocent kind of misunderstanding that hurts all the more. It hurts because it’s a confirmation of what you already knew – that you are not and were never an option.

“So,” Mateo says, grinning like he hasn’t reached his hands into my chest, ripped out my heart, punctured it with his talons, torn it into two jagged halves, pierced it with a sewing needle to thread it back up, and shoved it back in between my lungs back-to-front, “she’s pretty cute, right?”

We’re sitting in the cafeteria, and all five us turn to watch the girl in question. She laughs at something her friend said at a far-away table. The world slows it down to taunt me, as if to say, yes, she is, so get over him. She has brown curls that cascade down her shoulders and dark green eyes that shine when the light hits them. She’s well-liked, a kind person, and apparently has a crush on me according to Lana. Mateo has also assured me that she’s had a perfect track record of not cheating on people.

By all accounts, she’s perfect. But I feel sick looking at her.

I turn back to Mateo, who’s watching me with raised brows. “Text her,” he tells me, passing my phone back to me. He’s typed in her number already.

My eyes flick from the phone, to him, to the girl – Alyssa – and then to Rob and Alex, as if they’d magically know what dilemma I was facing.

Alex looks mostly amused by the whole thing, even a little excited. I know he’s probably thinking something similar to Mateo and Lana – that she’ll help me get over Cordelia. The truth is, I was only upset about the whole situation because she had cheated. If she had just broken up with me, I would’ve moved on straight away. It’s not that I didn’t like her, because I did at first. I had been enamoured by her!

…And then I got to know her. Turns out I might have been a bit blind-sided by her looks. That’s probably why I had started liking Mateo – I just kept comparing her to him. However, I had convinced myself that if I just stayed with her, I might eventually like her again.

Maybe that’s why she cheated in the end – I wasn’t exactly the best boyfriend. Talking to her grew to be a chore, and I’m ashamed to admit I had muted her calls more than once. Oh well, clean slate I guess.

Rob, however, seems sort of confused. I don’t blame him – the incident happened only a few weeks ago, and it wasn’t like Mateo and I ever stopped joke-flirting. Alex’s constant jokes about the situation didn’t help Rob understand that we’re just friends either.

Maybe he would be the one to save me. Maybe he’d go “Wait, I thought Kieran was madly in love with Mateo?” so I can confirm it and immediately drown myself in the Atlantic Ocean.

However, it’s like he mentally shrugs and decides to put the whole thing in the past, because now he gets excited for me.

“Go on,” he urges, “ask her out!”

I hate this kid. “I’m getting to it,” I hiss, then glare back down at my phone. The cursor blinks back at me, mocking me. Okay, how do I ask out this chick in a way she’ll say no to?

Mateo must get annoyed because he snatches the phone back and writes something. I protest loudly and try to grab it, but he ignores my futile attempts. The sent sound effect makes me want to scream. At least he hands my phone back.

I don’t bother to read whatever he wrote as I slump back in my chair, defeated. I half-heartedly watch as Alyssa hears her phone go off. I watch her read the message and then call her friends over, and it’s not long before I see them glancing my way, whispering excitedly. Alyssa catches my eyes and smiles her perfect smile, then waves. She raises her hand hesitantly as if I’m the one who’s out of her league. It would be cute if I wasn’t so stubborn.

I must look as resigned as I feel because Rob whacks me. “Dude, wave back!”

I muster up the energy to return the gesture, trying to smile. It drops as she starts walking over to me, and I feel like banging my head on the table until I die of brain damage. There’s no way I can escape without looking like the biggest creep in the world. And Mateo would throttle me!

Just before Alyssa’s within speaking distance, the bell rings, its usually harsh chimes sounding like music to my ears. I grab my bag and sprint away, ignoring my friends’ indignant cries.

-

“So…” Alyssa says, clearing her throat and tucking a strand of caramel hair behind her ear. She stirs her straw around her Starbucks coffee, and I watch as the ice inside collides. “Want to go see a movie?” She parts her pink lips in another one of her perfect smiles – charmingly shy and heart-achingly sweet. Alyssa gazes at me with the ghost of hope on her face – a look which I had been slowly killing throughout the past hour.

Guilt slams into me. Then frustration.

Why can’t I just like her? Mateo didn’t lie – she’s gorgeous. And sweet! She’s the perfect girl, and yet all I can do is compare her to my unfortunately straight friend.

Where Alyssa has long, light brown curls, Mateo has short, edgy, dark strands that are soft to the touch. Where she’s small and petite, Mateo is tall with a booming personality that fills up the entire room, making it impossible to look away. Alyssa is soft, delicate, like a flower in bloom, and Mateo is so, so gentle with me in the quiet moments.

I know if I tried, Alyssa could become as special as he is to me. If I put in the effort, she’d begin to get my humour. Maybe a few weeks in, we’ll share an inside joke or two. After a few months, maybe I’ll start to think that she’s the one. Years later, maybe we’ll be a happy family.

But with Mateo, I don’t have to try. He says the punchlines to my jokes; laughs even when I’m half-way through them because he was there and he gets what I’m trying to convey. He knows exactly how I like my tea, and he knows all my tells. He’s able to guess when something’s wrong, and he cheers me up in an instant. He’s not the one; he’s my other half. He’s in my future already, and nothing can take away his place in it. Even if he doesn’t ever like me back, I know he’ll always be there.

Still, I don’t want to disappoint Alyssa more than I already have. I hold in a sigh. “Yeah, what did you have in mind?”

I can see her shoulders drop in relief. The minuscule crease between her brows smooths out, and it’s like happiness suddenly radiates from her. She giggles, then stands up and grabs my hands, pulling me out of the coffee shop.

“Let’s just see what’s playing!” The bell chimes above our heads as we exit and she pauses, pointing at the sky. Her eyes sparkle, lips curled. “Look at the sunset! Isn’t it beautiful?”

I look up. The sky is a hue of pink, purple and deep, dark red, dipping into black. The orange-tinted clouds stroll lazily across it, carefree. The scene is as beautiful as the girl in front of me. Still, my chest aches and my mind drifts, head too full of sunrises with Mateo to care about sunsets with her. God, there’s really no getting over this if I can’t like someone like Alyssa.

It must show on my face because her childlike smile falls. She drops my hand and steps back, gazing up at me with a frown, her tan skin dimming in its glow.

“Are you bored yet?” I blurt before she can say anything. “Of me?” She attempts to speak, but I keep going, the guilt overwhelming. “I’m sorry that I’ve been such a crappy date. You’re an amazing girl, I swear, but-“

“You like someone else,” she says. It’s not a question – she’s stating a fact. The honey has left her voice, and the joy has left her presence. She seems deflated… resigned. I don’t respond, but that’s enough of an answer. “I thought so.  You weren’t really here.” Alyssa taps her head with a sad smile.

“I’m sorry,” I repeat. I don’t know what I should say to make her feel better. I’ve always been the dumpee.

“It’s okay. I understand.” My guilt swells again as she suddenly grins at me, the peppiness seeming to seep back into her. I wonder how she does it – how she can hide her emotions so well. “I hope it works out,” she says, seeming sincere.

She starts to remind me of myself a little. The complete willingness to let yourself be hurt just so someone can be happy. Putting on a smile, so they don’t feel bad. Only wanting what’s best for them, knowing you can’t have more.

“You don’t have to pretend to be okay with it. Trust me, I know how it feels when someone doesn’t like you back,” I admit. “If it makes you feel any better, we’re in the same boat.” I try for a smile, internally sighing in relief when she drops her façade and lets out a surprised laugh.

“Is it bad that that actually does?” I shrug, and she pats my shoulder sympathetically. “We can wallow in misery together if you’d like. Why don’t you tell me about her?”

“Him.”

The word escapes me without a second thought, shocking me. It’s like it was sitting there, on the tip of my tongue for my whole life and now – now it’s out there. And somebody knows.

Somebody finally knows. The realisation makes my hands tremor, a full-body shake working its way through me. My heart pounds, even as she smiles.

“Tell me about him, then,” Alyssa says, unfazed as if she’s not involved in a moment I’ll remember forever.

Because somebody knows! I’ve finally admitted it out loud to another living, breathing person. It’s not just a thought that I have from time to time; it’s now been verbalised. It exists in the world – and Alyssa isn’t affected in the slightest.

It’s an odd feeling, coming out. I don’t know what I expected, but this – telling a girl that I’ve just taken out on the worst date in history that I’m madly in love with a boy who doesn’t like me back, and her not even acknowledging that I came out – isn’t it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful – eternally thankful – that she hasn’t immediately told my parents and everyone at school nor shouted slurs in my face, but…

Why doesn’t this feel life-altering? Why hasn’t my world shifted? Why isn’t the world a little brighter, a little more colourful, a little more like a movie?

At the same time, it’s like I’ve finally taken a breath for the first time in years. There isn’t this heavy feeling in my chest, filling my lungs with unsaid words, clogging my throat with fear. It’s not sitting there, nagging at me in the back of my mind from the cage I’ve locked it in. I don’t have to bite my tongue or grit my teeth, fighting with myself to hold it in, keep it hidden, and suffocate it with distractions. It’s just… out there.

And I can’t stop smiling.

“He’s- he’s my best friend. And I’m so in love with him it hurts.”